Have you ever had that relationship where you realized that you put a lot into it...and you didn't receive much after? Well, that was me. Three years ago, I was involved in a relationship where I felt so belittled and emotionally abused. I wondered what I did wrong. I wondered what I could do to make it better. I wondered what I could possibly do for my love to want me. It was then that it finally hit me- she's scared to be with me right now. She is not ready. I am a woman. And so is she. For those of you who have known someone who is lesbian, gay, or bisexual, most likely it was not an easy road. It takes a lot of self acceptance and confidence to be who you are. The love of my life did not have the confidence to be with me. The toughest thing that I had to do was let the love of my life go. And before I went, I wrote her this:
My Dear Beloved,
Should I go? Should I stay?
Those are the questions that perplexed me today,
Dark moments and restless nights,
Seems to be everlasting with no end in sight,
The stress of knowing what we used to be,
Only seems now that it was the death of me,
And you.
I could never let go; even if this relationship isn’t what it ought to be,
We've grown so much together that I feel you are a part of me,
It is a shame that it seems like I've chosen to settle,
So baby girl you deserve that medal,
Because you've got me sprung.
Not only that, but I vowed to never leave you again,
Quickly after we developed into lovers from friends,
But the anguish in my heart stems from places you couldn't possibly understand,
It is as if you are the unconscious woman,
And I am the grieving man.
I stayed up late at night writing of you,
Whilst you most likely had a great night’s sleep, True?
I know that I am somewhere in your heart,
It just feels as if you cannot possibly do your part.
My dear beloved can you understand me?
Because I feel as though you are not understanding,
I cannot prove to you the extent of my love,
Because it extends greater than all the stars above.
The point of making love is to connect with the one you’re with,
But you can feel my love through one solid kiss,
Please do not say you are sorry and will make things better,
For those words would be as discerning as this darn weather,
Heavy night showers and loud crackles after this nice, sunny day,
My dear beloved I beg you to say whatever it is that you need to say,
I need to know that this love and sanctity is not just in my head,
Because it feels as if I am the yeast and you are the bread.
I am the culture that keeps us together,
You are the bread that results from my hard work even in this murky, gloomy weather.
Without me there would be no us,
Just painful stories of failure and lust,
Cooperation from you is a must,
And it all begins with giving me plenty of trust.
My dear beloved, you are the one I’m with,
YOU are the one that gets that solid kiss,
I don’t know why you can’t seem to trust in me,
I guess everything wasn't what I thought it to be.
I try to help you as best I can,
I've not cheated; I am a one woman "man",
I try to persuade you with utmost conviction,
Why lie to someone that I've clearly been missin’.
I am angry because even with honesty, I still can’t seem to get your seal of approval,
Still writing this at 5:30 in the morning,
You should see my "trueness",
But I know you don’t,
And that makes me furious,
Why you might ask? I know you’re curious,
Well I can’t say,
Not anymore today or any other day,
Until you treat me the right way,
And even then, somehow, you are still,
My dear beloved.
The Aftermath
Since the breakup of our first relationship (of eleven months), I've found that she was emotionally stable enough to be with me once again. We will be celebrating our one year anniversary in October. The happiest I have ever been is in this relationship. She is amazing and she treats me the way that I deserve to be treated. Never in a million years did I think that I would let someone belittle me like that, forgive them, try it out again, and then have such great results! She has been my exception for everything these days. Either way, I've never been happier. I treat her like a queen and she kisses the ground I walk on.
If you are like me, and felt that it would not get any better, maybe you too need a little break. It took a lot of effort, time, and communication but my woman and I got through it. I'm sure you can too. Don't loose the faith in the one you love. As long as both are willing, anything can get accomplished.
My Dear Beloved,
Should I go? Should I stay?
Those are the questions that perplexed me today,
Dark moments and restless nights,
Seems to be everlasting with no end in sight,
The stress of knowing what we used to be,
Only seems now that it was the death of me,
And you.
I could never let go; even if this relationship isn’t what it ought to be,
We've grown so much together that I feel you are a part of me,
It is a shame that it seems like I've chosen to settle,
So baby girl you deserve that medal,
Because you've got me sprung.
Not only that, but I vowed to never leave you again,
Quickly after we developed into lovers from friends,
But the anguish in my heart stems from places you couldn't possibly understand,
It is as if you are the unconscious woman,
And I am the grieving man.
I stayed up late at night writing of you,
Whilst you most likely had a great night’s sleep, True?
I know that I am somewhere in your heart,
It just feels as if you cannot possibly do your part.
My dear beloved can you understand me?
Because I feel as though you are not understanding,
I cannot prove to you the extent of my love,
Because it extends greater than all the stars above.
The point of making love is to connect with the one you’re with,
But you can feel my love through one solid kiss,
Please do not say you are sorry and will make things better,
For those words would be as discerning as this darn weather,
Heavy night showers and loud crackles after this nice, sunny day,
My dear beloved I beg you to say whatever it is that you need to say,
I need to know that this love and sanctity is not just in my head,
Because it feels as if I am the yeast and you are the bread.
I am the culture that keeps us together,
You are the bread that results from my hard work even in this murky, gloomy weather.
Without me there would be no us,
Just painful stories of failure and lust,
Cooperation from you is a must,
And it all begins with giving me plenty of trust.
My dear beloved, you are the one I’m with,
YOU are the one that gets that solid kiss,
I don’t know why you can’t seem to trust in me,
I guess everything wasn't what I thought it to be.
I try to help you as best I can,
I've not cheated; I am a one woman "man",
I try to persuade you with utmost conviction,
Why lie to someone that I've clearly been missin’.
I am angry because even with honesty, I still can’t seem to get your seal of approval,
Still writing this at 5:30 in the morning,
You should see my "trueness",
But I know you don’t,
And that makes me furious,
Why you might ask? I know you’re curious,
Well I can’t say,
Not anymore today or any other day,
Until you treat me the right way,
And even then, somehow, you are still,
My dear beloved.
The Aftermath
Since the breakup of our first relationship (of eleven months), I've found that she was emotionally stable enough to be with me once again. We will be celebrating our one year anniversary in October. The happiest I have ever been is in this relationship. She is amazing and she treats me the way that I deserve to be treated. Never in a million years did I think that I would let someone belittle me like that, forgive them, try it out again, and then have such great results! She has been my exception for everything these days. Either way, I've never been happier. I treat her like a queen and she kisses the ground I walk on.
If you are like me, and felt that it would not get any better, maybe you too need a little break. It took a lot of effort, time, and communication but my woman and I got through it. I'm sure you can too. Don't loose the faith in the one you love. As long as both are willing, anything can get accomplished.
