The New Intimacy

Your Kink is OK

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Contributor: charletnarouh charletnarouh
For those who aren't part of the community, there is a common philosophy among the leather, kinky, BDSM, etc. community that it's generally not ok to judge someone simply because they're into something you're not into, even if you find what they're into to be repulsive. It's a big huge kinky world out there and no one is going to be into everything. Common community courtesy discourages criticizing or openly defaming or displaying disgust for kinks that you dislike and the people who practice them.
This acronym YKIOK, IJNMK popped up, my research indicates somewhere in the 1990's to embody this idea. It stands for "Your Kink Is Ok, It's Just Not My Kink".
To what degree do you believe in and practice this idea and how valuable or important do you feel this mentality is? Opinions?
Voting for this poll is private (anonymous), so feel free to vote truthfully. If you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts, please do so. Especially, please comment, if you are comfortable, on where the line is between acceptable and unacceptable kink. When is kink NOT ok?
Have you ever been judged for your kink and if so, where did the judgment come from, how did it make you feel, and how did you react to it?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
YKIOK, IJNMK is a valuable philosophy.
62
YKIOK, IJNMK is not a valuable philosophy.
2
I don't have an opinion on the value of YKIOK, IJNMK.
2
I agree with theYKIOK, IJNMK philosophy.
31
I disagree with the YKIOK, IJNMK philosophy.
2
I have an alternate philosophy for this issue.
8
I try to practice the philosophy of YKIOK, IJNMK at all times.
17
I try to practice the philosophy of YKIOK, IJNMK, except for certain kinks.
22
I try to practice the philosophy of YKIOK, IJNMK but I don't always succeed.
11
I don't practice YKIOK, IJNMK.
1
I practice another philosophy that addresses the same issue.
All kinks are ok, as long as they are consensual and safe, sane or risk aware.
53
Some kinks are ok.
6
My kinks are ok, but things that I'm not into aren't.
I think something else. Other.
4
Total votes: 221 (89 voters)
Poll is closed
11/27/2012
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Contributor: linnlinn linnlinn
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
For those who aren't part of the community, there is a common philosophy among the leather, kinky, BDSM, etc. community that it's generally not ok to judge someone simply because they're into something you're not into, even if you ... more
Thanks for posting! I'm interested to see the results.
11/27/2012
Contributor: Virgingasms Virgingasms
As long as everyone's of age, consenting and aware of any risks I think it's fine. Sometimes it's difficult to wrap my head around something, but if it makes whoever does it happy then good for them.
11/27/2012
Contributor: GirlOnGirl GirlOnGirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Virgingasms
As long as everyone's of age, consenting and aware of any risks I think it's fine. Sometimes it's difficult to wrap my head around something, but if it makes whoever does it happy then good for them.
Agreed. Well said.
11/27/2012
Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
I follow this, but add to it "do no harm to others." As long as your kink doesn't involve hurting someone or something outside yourself or a (consensual) partner(s), I'm okay with it. I once heard of a kink about squishing live animals. That's not cool. The poor animal has to way to consent to that. Aside from harming others, I'm okay with it. I might not understand it, I might not like it, and it might not be my thing, but that's alright.
11/27/2012
Contributor: The Mother of a SiNner The Mother of a SiNner
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
For those who aren't part of the community, there is a common philosophy among the leather, kinky, BDSM, etc. community that it's generally not ok to judge someone simply because they're into something you're not into, even if you ... more
i live by to each there own
11/27/2012
Contributor: apryls apryls
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
For those who aren't part of the community, there is a common philosophy among the leather, kinky, BDSM, etc. community that it's generally not ok to judge someone simply because they're into something you're not into, even if you ... more
thanks for posting
11/27/2012
Contributor: gsfanatic gsfanatic
I fully agree, everyone has things that make them happy, and that's good
11/27/2012
Contributor: Thumper Logic Thumper Logic
I agree with Kira's previous post, and I try to apply the same type of philosophy to the rest of my life as well. If you hold beliefs or enjoy something that I don't like or find objectionable, as long as you're not hurting someone, I don't have a problem with it.
11/27/2012
Contributor: quinceykay quinceykay
There are a lot of kinks that I'm not personally aroused by, but I can understand the psychology of why other people might be. There are others that I don't understand at all, but I'm just kind of like "whatever floats your boat". And then there are some that I am simply not okay with - but those are pretty few, and generally involve dangerous or non-consensual activities.
11/27/2012
Contributor: RedKyuubi RedKyuubi
All kinks are okay. I try to be very open, and I have tried some new things and quite liked them. I think open mindedness and acceptance for all facets of society is useful
11/27/2012
Contributor: jr2012 jr2012
I enjoyed learning that it is a "movement", but boy is that acronym cumbersome

But no, really. We should never label someone as "wrong" for something safe and consensual.

I don't "get" some kinks, but on the same line of thought, I don't like olives either. I'm not going to tell olive-eaters at parties "OMG that's so gross!!!". It's all OK!!
11/28/2012
Contributor: sillylilkitten sillylilkitten
I usually see it written as YKINMK - Your Kink Is Not My Kink. Bit shorter and easier to remember.

There are certain kinks that are still consensual and safe, etc., that just creep me out though. I can't help being bothered by them, but so long as the people participating in them are cool with it, then I just refrain from commenting. "If you don't have something nice to say" and all that.
11/28/2012
Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Yeah, that acronym is very...cumbersome, as jr2012 put it. It's easier to remember the phrase than the acronym!

I think as long as sane, consenting adults are engaged in doing things where no one gets hurt (and I mean, really hurt, not bruised and scratched up hurt), then I'm fine with it. Other people's sex lives are not my business.

Kira, I came across some still frames on Snopes years ago of an obscure porn from China where a woman in spiked heels was doing just the thing that you describe. I wish I could unsee it; it was beyond cruel. If you have a "kink" that involves actually torturing a living creature, then you've got real issues, and your "kinkiness" is the least of your problems. You'd probably want to check out that serial killer in the making behavior and get some therapy. That's not okay, any way you cut it.

There are plenty of kinks that I don't get or that don't do anything for me, but a lot of the psychology behind them I get, and at the very least, I understand that human sexuality is too complicated to get all of it.

I also think that the notion that BDSM is more harmful than vanilla sex is ridiculous. It all comes down to intent and consent. People can be psychologically and emotionally scarred for years over sexual situations that on the surface look totally "vanilla." Anybody who has ever been forced, pressured, blackmailed, etc. into a sexual situation that they didn't want can vouch for that. You could have slow, quiet sex, with lots of kisses and I love yous, and if it's unwanted, then it can leave behind massive scars. On the flipside, people can roleplay sex slave/master scenarios, be tied up, whipped, spanked, called degrading names, and have the most fulfilling, satisfying, and even loving and intimate experience of their sexual lives. It's happened to me--the most intimate, loving, mutually respectful, satisfying and pleasurable sex I've had in my life, has involved kink. The most scarring, unhappy, traumatic sex of my life, was slow, filled with kisses and I love yous that meant nothing. One has been with a dear friend and lover who I feel I can share anything with, the other was with a manipulative, controlling asshole who had no respect for me or my feelings. I've since realized that there is a wide world out there filled with all kinds of people who have to find their happiness in their own way. Whether you're totally vanilla or kinky as all get out, I hope you're doing what feels right for you, and that you are doing it with good people.
11/28/2012
Contributor: LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by Virgingasms
As long as everyone's of age, consenting and aware of any risks I think it's fine. Sometimes it's difficult to wrap my head around something, but if it makes whoever does it happy then good for them.
I completely agree.
11/29/2012
Contributor: Vanille Vanille
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
For those who aren't part of the community, there is a common philosophy among the leather, kinky, BDSM, etc. community that it's generally not ok to judge someone simply because they're into something you're not into, even if you ... more
I practice this. I'm sure it goes for others that may not be into things I'm into.

Everything's all well and good with me as long as everyone's of age and able to consent.
11/29/2012
Contributor: novanilla novanilla
I always try to support other people's kink.
11/29/2012
Contributor: Claire-Bear Claire-Bear
If it's legal, safe, sane, and consensual I'm supportive.
11/30/2012
Contributor: Khanner Khanner
Nothing is beyond judgement or criticism in my opinion. That said, any valid criticism only happens when you're not being a dick.
12/01/2012
Contributor: RemusHalifax RemusHalifax
Wow, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a kinkster who will criticize another kinkster for having kinks that are too "out there." Sure, everything should be put under a lens for a while and analyzed critically, but if someone if being safe, sane, and consensual... well, let 'em at it. For example, I find hook suspension to be terrifying... I would never ever do it... but I think it's great that some people love to do it. More fun for them!
12/07/2012
Contributor: ASpiritedSlut ASpiritedSlut
I tend to say Your Kink Isn't My Kink... unless someone is being involved against or without their consent, I don't care what someone is into. I only draw the line at the point where I feel someone's rights are being violated.
12/10/2012
Contributor: LadyRelentless LadyRelentless
as long as it's all consensual, do your thing.
12/11/2012
Contributor: Happenstance Happenstance
I can think of a couple of examples of things people have claimed to be "kinks," which were not acceptable.
Fetishization of people of color is NOT OKAY. It's not "a preference." It's racist. It hurts people.
Fetishization of trans* people is NOT OKAY. It's not a "preference." It's transphobic. It hurts people.
12/14/2012
Contributor: RavenInChains RavenInChains
Your kinks are okay, and its great that you are comfortable with them -unless- they involve non-consensual acts and/or acts with creatures who cannot consent. Bestiality is not okay (animals can't consent), pedophilia is not okay (kids can't consent), crushing is not okay (again, animals definitely can't consent to being killed). As long as your kink is just you or just consenting adults its all good.
12/16/2012
Contributor: Geogeo Geogeo
I'm 100% against any kinks involving real animals. Furries? Sure, I don't get it, but have fun! But beastiality or anything to do with hurting animals (or kids) is just wrong and I'll never accept it. A guy who likes to have sex with dogs messaged me on Fetlife once and it made me so sick for so long that I almost boycotted the site and really wanted to find a way to send the SPCA on him and take the poor dogs to a safe place.

Other kinks, like liking gas masks, feces, needles shoved in your penis, etc, I don't understand, but I still accept them
12/16/2012
Contributor: FrustratedFemme FrustratedFemme
If it's sane, consensual, and nobody is genuinely harmed, then it's okay. By genuinely harmed, I mean psychologically scarred, permanently physically damaged, or physically injured to a degree that the person isn't comfortable with. A few bruises and scratches are just fine, or even a sore ass that hurts for a few days afterwards. Broken bones? Not so much.

Any kinks involving real animals aren't okay because animals can't consent. Kinks involving children aren't okay because children can't consent. Furries and ageplay among consenting adults is okay, even though I personally don't understand it.
12/16/2012
Contributor: zoey51 zoey51
Some kinks are ok.
12/17/2012
Contributor: gwenevieve gwenevieve
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
For those who aren't part of the community, there is a common philosophy among the leather, kinky, BDSM, etc. community that it's generally not ok to judge someone simply because they're into something you're not into, even if you ... more
Kink shaming is NEVER EVER cool, UNLESS the kink is harmful to others (in a noncensual way, of course.)
12/17/2012
Contributor: FunFantasys FunFantasys
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
For those who aren't part of the community, there is a common philosophy among the leather, kinky, BDSM, etc. community that it's generally not ok to judge someone simply because they're into something you're not into, even if you ... more
some kinks I just can't get over, like watersports...
01/06/2013
Contributor: fizzygato fizzygato
I think it's okay, but not great.

I mean, it seems to treat it like you need/ should get/ something (??) validation for your kink, like, "Yes! It meets the standards of okay" and almost seems to leave room to imply, "But SOME kinks aren't okay."

I'm currently somewhat questioning the concept of "kink" anyway, or at least the way I currently see it being portrayed in definition anyway, particularly when juxtaposed to "vanilla."

It's something to think about, but no I don't readily agree with the acronym; I think it has a good idea (in terms of acceptance), but could convey that idea better
01/07/2013