The New Intimacy

Nervous Switch Needs Flogging Advice

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Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
So, here's a little background information. My boyfriend and I are a pegging couple of slightly submissive switches who have collared one another and somehow mutually own each other. I'm sure our strange take on ownership isn't unique, I've just never heard of it in any other couple. Anyway, I mentioned pegging because we don't use a traditional strapon harness, I have a Feeldoe and a length of cotton rope which I use to make a harness using Shibari (Japanese bondage technique), and the last time I washed it, when I rolled it up it ended up looking like a flogger. I joked about it and asked him in a silly manner if he would ever want to flog me, at which point he picked it up and lightly used it on me as one. (I say lightly because I have a skin condition and can't take as much pain as I would like, and he remembers that.) And I liked it. It had an awesome thud without too much sting for me, which I'm sure can be changed if wielded harder, faster, or with just a little water involved.

Anyway the whole point is now I really want to return the favor. I know how much he enjoys pain and he can take a lot more than I can. When I suggested it, this dark wanting crossed his eyes, much like I'm sure it must cross mine when I want something done to me. But I've never even struck him more than a playful swat on the bum here and there, or a brief spanking before I peg him. I've never seen a flogger in the hands of someone who knows what they're doing, any scenes I come across it's a couple whaps and then straight to penetration. Porn industry has no clue what they're doing sometimes. There's no one around in the area we live in that could possibly help me figure it all out. So now I'm turning to the people here in the hopes of getting some advice. Please help!

~Pixie


This is it. I'll see if I can take one of higher quality.
03/25/2011
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Contributor: GingerAnn GingerAnn
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03/25/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
You've picked a good place!

There are LOADS of people here who can help with advice and suggestions.
03/25/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
You've picked a good place!

There are LOADS of people here who can help with advice and suggestions.
Thanks, JR I'm pretty nervous, and knowing where to turn helps a lot already!
03/25/2011
Contributor: Lucidity Lucidity
Pixie,
What are you concerns? Are you just not exactly sure how to wield it? What questions, specifically do you have?
As far as beginning floggers go, suede is really nice and provides a good amount of thud without too much pain. But as you get more comfortable, you can hit harder and cause more pain if you wish. Floggers, generally aren't terribly painful, unless there's something else going on with the tails, though repeated hits will result in redness. Floggers are great for beginners because (generally), you are not going to be able to injure your partner on accident as you would with say, a cane. Get the flogger of your choice, and go home and practice on a pillow and on yourself (just a little on the leg or arm or something) until you get the hang of it. If you have a local adult store, go see how the weight of a flogger feels in your hand, see how long a handle you like. It's really easy and fun once you get used to it, and I'm sure your guy will be very happy
03/25/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Lucidity
Pixie,
What are you concerns? Are you just not exactly sure how to wield it? What questions, specifically do you have?
As far as beginning floggers go, suede is really nice and provides a good amount of thud without too much pain. But as ... more
Actually yes, that's exactly my concern. I have no clue how to wield it. Do I bring it down like a whip, or flick it? What about swirling in some sort of circle or figure eight? How quickly should they come in succession, and how hard, and in the same place or choose a different spot every time? Do I tie him down to the bed, or tie his hands and/or feet together? Do I gag him? I'd love to do this with nothing but his collar on, but it's damaged and I need to fix it first, or buy a new one.

Regarding actual floggers... He actually just wants me to use the rope I still have tied so it looks and acts like a flogger, but thank you for the advice there... We will likely own one (or possible more?!) someday, so that will come in quite helpful. Thanks a lot for the help.
03/25/2011
Contributor: Lucidity Lucidity
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
Actually yes, that's exactly my concern. I have no clue how to wield it. Do I bring it down like a whip, or flick it? What about swirling in some sort of circle or figure eight? How quickly should they come in succession, and how hard, and in the ... more
Try practicing. Bringing it down will probably be more effective. You can swirl, I suppose, but that would feel more like a tickler. The hardness and fastness depends on your sub. You should ask him what he wants during your first session. He can ask for more or less, tell you where and how he wants it. As for the bondage aspect, that's also a personal thing. I love to be bound and gagged and flogged, but not everyone does. I also like nice flogging when I'm not bound or gagged. There are no rules aside from listen to your partner and do what feels good.

Practice wielding the flogger before hand. Talk about these things very openly with him before and during your first few sessions. Make sure you both know the safe word and are totally comfortable. Everything you're curious about comes down to what he likes ^_^
03/25/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Lucidity
Try practicing. Bringing it down will probably be more effective. You can swirl, I suppose, but that would feel more like a tickler. The hardness and fastness depends on your sub. You should ask him what he wants during your first session. He can ... more
Ahhh, when I said "swirling" I actually meant "swinging," like bring it down one direction, then the other, so the paths cross in the air like an X or figure eight. He doesn't talk much during sensual play of any sort, what if I ask him something and he is too into it (or would that be out of it?) to respond? I don't want to pull him out of his sub space if he gets there, I know mow much that sucks. I don't even know if I could get him to that place just by flogging him, though, haha...

I took your advice and tried it out on a pillow, and I actually think I've made a pretty good flogger here, especially for an accident. It's pretty well balanced, and the lack of tipped ends (it's looped over because it's rope) makes me more comfortable in knowing I won't accidentally hurt him the wrong way.

...I wish he had a safe word. : /
03/27/2011
Contributor: Lucidity Lucidity
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
Ahhh, when I said "swirling" I actually meant "swinging," like bring it down one direction, then the other, so the paths cross in the air like an X or figure eight. He doesn't talk much during sensual play of any sort, what if ... more
You need a safe word. And you need to ask him what he likes. A safe word is very important. It lets both of you know that the play can stop at any time if things get too intense for any reason. You don't have to pull him out of his sub space. You should talk about these things before play. And while you're playing, it can be something as simple as, *smack* "you like when I do it like that?" *smack* "you want more?", he can just nod yes or no and then it becomes dirty talk. But moving on with any sort of BDSM play without a safe word or a conversation about personal preference is not generally a great idea, even if you can read the person really well.
03/27/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Lucidity
You need a safe word. And you need to ask him what he likes. A safe word is very important. It lets both of you know that the play can stop at any time if things get too intense for any reason. You don't have to pull him out of his sub space. ... more
I never thought about just turning it into dirty talk! That's a great idea. This is why I'm here, you are being so helpful

And believe me, I understand the importance of a safe word. I had one before I ever thought finding a partner who might be as kinky as I am was even a possibility. I wish with every fiber of my being he would just pick one, even if he never uses it! I haven't had to use mine. It's just that, just because he can take more pain than most people, he thinks that he doesn't need one, and he gets uncomfortable when I bring it up. It makes him feel like a "bad sub," like he thinks I think he can't take what I've got to give, and I can't seem to convince him otherwise.

Idea though... Perhaps I could make it part of our play to make him just pick one... Hmmm....
03/27/2011
Contributor: Lucidity Lucidity
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
I never thought about just turning it into dirty talk! That's a great idea. This is why I'm here, you are being so helpful

And believe me, I understand the importance of a safe word. I had one before I ever thought finding a partner ... more
If you want to turn the whole conversation into part of the play, you could tie him up and tell him sternly that good subs need to have safe words. He wants to be a good sub and please his Mistress, doesn't he? He can choose it, or you can. Just keep your eyes and ears peeled and tuned in for signs of real discomfort so you can change your technique. But turning it into dirty talk is a great way to get to know what he likes without being like, "Now, should I do this technique slightly harder or faster to peak your arousal?" Lucky, it would be nearly impossible to break skin with the flogger you've made, but communication is still key.
03/27/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Lucidity
If you want to turn the whole conversation into part of the play, you could tie him up and tell him sternly that good subs need to have safe words. He wants to be a good sub and please his Mistress, doesn't he? He can choose it, or you can. Just ... more
I absolutely agree. We communicate so well about other things, I don't know why this feels more difficult. I think it could be because he's afraid if he brings it up it will freak me out, and I think I'm afraid if I bring it up I'll scare him off. I'm sure neither is the case. I think I've got a fairly good idea of what I can/should do. You've been so incredibly helpful. Thank you, thank you!
03/27/2011
Contributor: Lucidity Lucidity
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
I absolutely agree. We communicate so well about other things, I don't know why this feels more difficult. I think it could be because he's afraid if he brings it up it will freak me out, and I think I'm afraid if I bring it up I'll ... more
Awww, two subs together, it's so cute! Well, maybe dominating him will give you a bit of confidence to talk more openly about this kind of thing.

And any time ^_^ You can always PM me if you have any questions you don't want to post. I'm really glad I could help. You two are going to have a ton of fun!
03/27/2011