The New Intimacy

Negotiation before play.. do you always do it?

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Contributor: Breas Breas
Again, I'm reading this book and it's talking about the importance of negotiation before getting into a scene in bdsm. I'm wondering if this is a rule that everyone follows, every time... The author says it is dangerous not to, but if you are with the same partner every time, do you still do the negotiations before you play?

After reading about this, it seems though the negotiation and discussion is important, I feel that if the two people discuss every little detail, wouldn't it ruin a bit of the excitement?

Then again, I don't know since I haven't done this yet. I'm just curious.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Yes, negotiation every time before play.
12  (13%)
No, I rarely negotiate with my partner.
29  (32%)
Sometimes we do, sometimes we do not.
42  (46%)
Other (please explain)
8  (9%)
Total votes: 91
Poll is closed
10/16/2011
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Contributor: Midway through Midway through
I negotiate before sex, way before sex. When I begin hanging out with the person we discuss bedroom things and the BDSM scene. What the limitations are, what limits can be pushed, etc. After that, it's all play and I don't negotiate. But I am typically with the same handful of partners, so I know the limits of each of them. There is still a safeword in use, always, but I don't discuss what I'm going to do, that ruins it for me.
10/16/2011
Contributor: Kkay Kkay
My partner knows my hard limits. If we're trying something new, we'll negotiate beforehand. He checks in with colors if he thinks he's pushing boundaries.
10/16/2011
Contributor: Breas Breas
Quote:
Originally posted by Midway through
I negotiate before sex, way before sex. When I begin hanging out with the person we discuss bedroom things and the BDSM scene. What the limitations are, what limits can be pushed, etc. After that, it's all play and I don't negotiate. But I am ... more
See, that is exactly what I thought. I am not sure if the author of the book really made this book for having "random partners" or not.. but it seems like it. I mean, I am in a monog. relationship and to negotiate every time before a scene seems very repetitive and unnecessary (unless you are with a new partner each time)..
10/17/2011
Contributor: TitsMcScandal TitsMcScandal
It depends on the person and the activity. If I am playing with someone new, or for the first time, I will go through negotiations. Before doing a new activity I will go through negotiations too. A long term partner who knows my limits and preferences, will not need negotiations every time.
10/17/2011
Contributor: Princess-Kayla ♥ Princess-Kayla ♥
We usually just have spontaneous sex.
There's never any negotiating.
10/17/2011
Contributor: RosesThorns RosesThorns
Always with new play partners, but rarely with someone I have an established relationship with.
10/18/2011
Contributor: Breas Breas
Quote:
Originally posted by Princess-Kayla ♥
We usually just have spontaneous sex.
There's never any negotiating.
I meant for bdsm specifically though
10/18/2011
Contributor: Breas Breas
Quote:
Originally posted by TitsMcScandal
It depends on the person and the activity. If I am playing with someone new, or for the first time, I will go through negotiations. Before doing a new activity I will go through negotiations too. A long term partner who knows my limits and ... more
Thank you for the response, this is what I would have thought as well, but the book sort of made me think it was a thing that you do everytime, regardless.
10/18/2011
Contributor: Toys in Love Toys in Love
We usually just have at it, but sometimes - if we have something new to try...
10/18/2011
Contributor: Yoda Yoda
I can`t think of a reason why I would need to. Things are pretty give and take in my house.
10/18/2011
Contributor: AndroAngel AndroAngel
We almost always negotiate, but then again, negotiations with us usually turn into an extended session of dirty talk and fantasy that we later act out. It's a great way to come up with ideas and also a great way to find out if something would push boundaries ahead of time. We know each other extremely well, but that doesn't mean we're exempt from finding out things about ourselves and each other that we didn't realize would trigger us or that we wouldn't approve of, so it's always good to have that out of the way in advance so it doesn't ruin a scene.

In other words, for us negotiation is foreplay. I'll tell him what dirty, depraved things I'm going to do to him and he raises objections on the rare occasion he actually has them or contributes suggestions. We both end up super horny and it builds a ton of anticipation. Negotiation is sexy.
10/18/2011
Contributor: zeb zeb
Quote:
Originally posted by Kkay
My partner knows my hard limits. If we're trying something new, we'll negotiate beforehand. He checks in with colors if he thinks he's pushing boundaries.
same here
10/18/2011
Contributor: Breas Breas
Quote:
Originally posted by AndroAngel
We almost always negotiate, but then again, negotiations with us usually turn into an extended session of dirty talk and fantasy that we later act out. It's a great way to come up with ideas and also a great way to find out if something would ... more
That is an interesting way of looking at it! I wouldn't have thought it could be considered foreplay. That's really awesome!
10/20/2011
Contributor: Stinkytofu10 Stinkytofu10
My partner and I have been together for more than 7 years. So we know each other well enough to know the limits.
10/20/2011
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
We have been together for over three years, we have developed a sense of trust and our experience together is also a positive.
10/20/2011
Contributor: Kitka Kitka
My husband and I always negotiate with new play partners before play but not always with each other since we've been together for 12 years and trust each other immensely.
10/20/2011
Contributor: LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by Princess-Kayla ♥
We usually just have spontaneous sex.
There's never any negotiating.
Same.
10/21/2011
Contributor: hyacinthgirl hyacinthgirl
I suppose at this point we do nothing but negotiation. We're restricted to dirty talk over webcam, we're going to have every possible barrier worked out by the time we meet. We've come up against a few things that I'm willing to talk about, but not to do, and he's made it clear that it's fine either way. After all, I'm in charge
10/22/2011
Contributor: FemmeFlo FemmeFlo
Quote:
Originally posted by Breas
Again, I'm reading this book and it's talking about the importance of negotiation before getting into a scene in bdsm. I'm wondering if this is a rule that everyone follows, every time... The author says it is dangerous not to, but if you ... more
By "other", I mean that my partner and I have negotiated our boundaries together, and we renegotiate them frequently as we develop new kinks/interests, but we don't do so before getting into a scene. As for discussing every little detail ... if there's something I really really want, then I write him an erotica about it and email it to him. Works every time.
10/23/2011
Contributor: Pixel Pixel
It depends. With my Master, I am allowed to ask before a scene for certain toys to be used or not used, but that doesn't mean he'll listen to me. With my boyfriend, we usually just play without negotiating, as we know our limits and what the other likes.
10/24/2011
Contributor: Mr Dj Mr Dj
oh yes we do..every fuckin time
10/24/2011
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
rarely! Sometimes never lol
10/24/2011
Contributor: pleasurehunter pleasurehunter
We just kind of go with the flow, been together long enough to know limits and boundaries and forgive mistakes, and things like safe words and all the decisions had been made long before
11/04/2011
Contributor: Shellz31 Shellz31
I don't find it important myself cause if I'm involved with someone and allowing them to perform any kind of BDSM on me, then they are naturally in tune with me. So I feel safe that if there is anything I'm uncomfortable with they will know it without me saying anything.
11/04/2011
Contributor: sissymorwen sissymorwen
I think that negotiations are something that is far more important at the beginning of a relationship, before you get to know each other's likes and dislikes. I know that my Princess and I used to negotiate a lot more than we do at the moment. But, now that were are on year five, I like to think that she has a good idea of what I will do from her likes column.
11/05/2011
Contributor: ScarlettSeraph ScarlettSeraph
I do not negotiate before every scene with my regular partner. We've pre-negotiated things and I wouldn't do it unless I was going to introduce something questionable.

With new people I would at least give them an idea of how I play and what my limits are, find out the same from them... then establish a safe word, that's the most important. If you at least have the safe word then the rest is secondary since you can get yourself out of a situation if need be.

The biggest safety factor is to only play with people who you trust, if you don't know them well enough, play in a public space with friends present and have them keep an eye on you.
11/09/2011
Contributor: Girly Girl Girly Girl
he do whatever i feel like doing ,,
11/09/2011
Contributor: LilMissSub LilMissSub
I clicked other. We do not negotiate prior to sex, though we casually talk about sex often enough to know what each other like and each other limits (We've been together for 5 years, we've got it down, haha).

Safe word works for the rare occasion that something is unpleasant.
11/10/2011
Contributor: BlackxxxRose BlackxxxRose
Anything sex related we negotiate beforehand. Ex,who gets to cum first, what positions, who cleans the wet spots after, etc.
11/20/2011