The New Intimacy

My dom is too afraid of hurting me to play with me! Has this happened to anyone else?

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Contributor: Mitzuki Mitzuki
It ultimately seems I have a gentle dom on my hands. He's too afraid of hurting me to play rough with me like I want him to! I've pointed this out to him plenty of times already, he just thinks I'm really delicate and doesn't want to upset me.

Has anyone else had the same experience? Let me know!
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Yes, my dom is/was afraid of hurting me
21  (58%)
Yes, my dom is/was afraid of hurting me, but did it anyway
8  (22%)
No, my dom likes to play rough!
7  (19%)
Total votes: 36
Poll is closed
02/12/2013
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Contributor: Andrey2052 Andrey2052
Yes, my dom is/was afraid of hurting me
02/13/2013
Contributor: Genderfree Genderfree
I'm the culprit, so I answered for me! I'm such a weakling! It requires a lot of trust to know each other's boundaries. Eventually, I just keep telling her, "tell me if you want me to dom, just body language or anything" and she has been doing that lately. It helps a lot. We're both switches, too, so it's hard to know... since sometimes both of us are feeling subby or dommy or visa versa so I gotta know if I have to switch roles because she's good at switching roles.
02/13/2013
Contributor: charletnarouh charletnarouh
She was reluctant at first but since Wwe've been to a lot of workshops and play parties and She's done a lot of learning and practice on how to HURT me without HARMING me She's gotten much better. Wwe both like it when She hurts me, but injury or true harm wouldn't be fun for anyone. Education is key.
02/14/2013
Contributor: nimr nimr
I don't really have trouble giving physical pain, but the mental side of domination is sometimes difficult -- either because I've been conditioned not to be "mean," or because I have trouble spontaneously coming up with ways I can be "mean" outside physical pain.
02/15/2013
Contributor: SecondStory SecondStory
I've never had a dom who could go any harder than light. None of them were really into hurting me that much, which was unfortunate.
02/16/2013
Contributor: Dear Ruby Dear Ruby
I've had this problem in the past... not trying to gender stereotype, but when I was in the hands of a woman I found that they didn't really get as into it as I'd hoped. I currently have two men that I play submissive for, and they have gotten really good at finding my edge zone
02/17/2013
Contributor: brandi2009 brandi2009
Quote:
Originally posted by Mitzuki
It ultimately seems I have a gentle dom on my hands. He's too afraid of hurting me to play rough with me like I want him to! I've pointed this out to him plenty of times already, he just thinks I'm really delicate and doesn't want to ... more
yes this one guy wouldnt even spank me because he was afraid i'd get mad or hurt or something
05/09/2013
Contributor: clockwork451 clockwork451
I have that problem, although I'M the one too afraid of hurting someone to get too rough.
05/10/2013
Contributor: Gdom Gdom
I used to have this problem (as a Dom), but clearly establishing safewords (and making sure my SO wasn't afraid to use them) definitely helped.
05/16/2013
Contributor: gwenevieve gwenevieve
Quote:
Originally posted by Mitzuki
It ultimately seems I have a gentle dom on my hands. He's too afraid of hurting me to play rough with me like I want him to! I've pointed this out to him plenty of times already, he just thinks I'm really delicate and doesn't want to ... more
at first my husband was definitely scared to but now he doesnt hold back! it is just something some people have to be reassured over and become comfortable with doing. communication and patience is all it takes.

but be reminded that maybe he just isnt into rough play.
05/17/2013
Contributor: tami tami
Quote:
Originally posted by Mitzuki
It ultimately seems I have a gentle dom on my hands. He's too afraid of hurting me to play rough with me like I want him to! I've pointed this out to him plenty of times already, he just thinks I'm really delicate and doesn't want to ... more
I am not as rough as he wants me to be with him, because I do not want to hurt him
05/21/2013
Contributor: LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by Mitzuki
It ultimately seems I have a gentle dom on my hands. He's too afraid of hurting me to play rough with me like I want him to! I've pointed this out to him plenty of times already, he just thinks I'm really delicate and doesn't want to ... more
My dom was afraid of hurting me, but he did it anyway. It has gotten less of a worry for him now. We have great communication.
05/22/2013
Contributor: JRabbits JRabbits
Don't ask how I know this, but, my sis-in-law is in the same situation. My brother is a bit timid to do some of the things she wants him to do to her because it freaks him out because he doesn't want to hurt her.

(Yes, I know it's weird that I know this. But apparently when your best friend marries your brother the whole "tell your BFF anything and everything" still has no limitations.... but really I think it's due to the fact that we're both into this lifetyle and have no one else to talk to about it, or anything really. She knows I won't judge her... threaten to stuff a sock in her mouth and stab my eardrums out, sure, but never judge, lol.)
06/09/2013
Contributor: SickOnSin SickOnSin
Quote:
Originally posted by Mitzuki
It ultimately seems I have a gentle dom on my hands. He's too afraid of hurting me to play rough with me like I want him to! I've pointed this out to him plenty of times already, he just thinks I'm really delicate and doesn't want to ... more
When it's not hard enough I get grouchy. I will say what I want, need, desire, etc during play. I always go with if it's not working say something. I had this one dom just lightly tapping my butt like you would pet a dog and I flat out said, "If you don't put some power behind your next swat I will kick you and leave." Not that won't work for a lot of doms usually it doesn't. Sub does not mean doormat. Fact is I still haven't talked to him to this day.
06/14/2013
Contributor: harvest harvest
I think it's relatively common to have guilt associated with this. But my Owner knows what I want and what is best for me, so that wins out.
06/14/2013
Contributor: Hallmar82 Hallmar82
My wife always wants me to be more agrressive but she is so easily hurt so it's impossible to be as rough as we wants.
06/15/2013
Contributor: SydneyScreams SydneyScreams
Communicate with your Dom and explain everything thoroughly. Have a practice session (with very clear safewords) that is strictly for his benefit of learning your tolerance. After each impact (if that's your cup of tea), tell him how you feel honestly.

I am a fan of the "stop light" safe words for practice sessions until clear limits of your tolerance have been established.
06/15/2013
Contributor: novanilla novanilla
Mine was afraid of hurting me because there is a huge difference in our strength levels. We are both small people, but I'm a skinny woman with little to no arm strength. I can only lift about 20 pounds before it gets too heavy and I can only do it if I absolutely have to, and I basically drag it and it hurts my back. My partner, however, works out 5 days a week and looks like a Calvin Klein underwear model. Naturally, he was a little afraid of pinning me down or spanking in the beginning. Now though, he's figured out what strength he can use against me and he knows it's possible to be rough and not hurt me as long as he doesn't use his full strength.
06/17/2013
Contributor: Marie Hanna Marie Hanna
I think that this can be an issue for a lot of men, but after awhile he'll be more comfortable.
06/17/2013
Contributor: Beautiful-Disaster Beautiful-Disaster
I don't have a dom.. so this has never happened to me.
06/17/2013
Contributor: KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
I'm with a sadist, but he is still concerned about hurting me even though he enjoys doing so. I think all good doms are.
06/17/2013
Contributor: LittleBun91 LittleBun91
It has taken a TON of encouragement and reassurance for my boyfriend to even find the edge of his dominant side, which I am loving. He is just terrified of accidentally hurting me too much. Safe words are your best friends.
07/10/2013
Contributor: HannahPanda HannahPanda
My old dom wasn't too afraid.. my newest partner is always terrified of hurting me.
09/06/2013
Contributor: sammm sammm
It also took him forever to realize that he could say nasty things to me in bed that I would normally take offense to.
09/12/2013
Contributor: Megglelynn Megglelynn
Quote:
Originally posted by Mitzuki
It ultimately seems I have a gentle dom on my hands. He's too afraid of hurting me to play rough with me like I want him to! I've pointed this out to him plenty of times already, he just thinks I'm really delicate and doesn't want to ... more
My dom likes to play rough. I have no issues with it
09/20/2013
Contributor: Billie Bones Billie Bones
I guess since I'm on the smaller side I can look more delicate than I am so I've fun into this quite a bit. I really appreciate it when people are cautious, though. Any BDSM play that can result in physical harm should only happen after boundaries are set up and all parties involved have a clear understanding of those boundaries.

If they're sill hesitant then I do tend to taut them a bit. They usually spank me at least a little harder after that.
10/08/2013