The New Intimacy

Does your identity as a Dom/Domme or Sub change over time?

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Contributor: phoenixfire phoenixfire
I ask because I used to identify myself as a switch. I still believe it is possible to truly be a switch--that is, to enjoy both roles. However, in thinking about some of my deepest fantasies, I am coming to realize that I am more a Domme than a sub.

What is interesting about this is what is holding me back from claiming that fully: society. Being submissive was what came naturally to me before I got honest with myself about the kink that had always been in the back of my mind. I was taught that women *should* be submissive, and that anyone who was not was a slut, whore, you fill in the nasty term here. I was taught that being submissive was what women were supposed to want.

Well, I enjoy it on occasion, but it really isn't what I want 80% or so of the time.

Have any of the rest of you kinky BDSM Edenites ever gone through an identity crisis like this where your kink is concerned?
01/10/2013
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Contributor: Mwar Mwar
My identity in that regard is changing. Lately I have been picturing scenarios as a Domme as well. I'm not sure what to do with the information...
01/10/2013
Contributor: phoenixfire phoenixfire
Quote:
Originally posted by Mwar
My identity in that regard is changing. Lately I have been picturing scenarios as a Domme as well. I'm not sure what to do with the information...
Mwar, my SO is fine with my Domme side. In fact, when I get around to telling him about how primary it is, he'll probably be thrilled. I'm the one holding myself back here with my own upbringing/hangups.

The thing is, I would love for hubby to really get into the sub role, and he just doesn't get it. He will allow himself to be restrained, but I want him to respond to command, and he either won't or doesn't fully get it. We'll see which it is.
01/10/2013
Contributor: sillylilkitten sillylilkitten
I've always been submissive, and the idea of having to take control and be dominant just turns me off and frustrates me. That's why I can't be with vanilla people, because I find myself sort of "topping from the bottom" and trying to get them to dominate me, and trying to make them do anything just annoys me. The only way I've felt my submissive nature "change" over time is to become more submissive and incorporate broader categories of submission and new fetishes.
01/10/2013
Contributor: phoenixfire phoenixfire
Quote:
Originally posted by sillylilkitten
I've always been submissive, and the idea of having to take control and be dominant just turns me off and frustrates me. That's why I can't be with vanilla people, because I find myself sort of "topping from the bottom" and ... more
Bellefleur--first off, love the screen name choice. Second, that is exactly the situation I'm in . I'm "topping from the bottom," when I bother to speak up about what I want. Most of the time I am afraid to take control for fear I won't please my SO or know what is "right" to do to him. (This after a near 18 year relationship. Geez I am such a coward at times.)

This has to change. I am not happy this way. Gotta take the reins and kick some ass.
01/10/2013
Contributor: Inkkythesquid Inkkythesquid
I'm A Sub, ANd Probably Always Will Be
01/10/2013
Contributor: Cowgirl-Cutie Cowgirl-Cutie
I believe for some people it can change to a different role. For me I'll always be a sub but the level of submission grows deeper over time and depends on how I'm treated/who I'm with and for how long.
01/11/2013
Contributor: phoenixfire phoenixfire
The more I think about this, the more I conclude that I was never a sub to begin with. I really saw sex as something of a chore when I was younger, even though I was attracted to my SO. (same man I am with now) I was always a Domme, and just didn't feel safe enough to admit it. SO was and is strong enough to handle my identity. I wasn't, then.

I am now.
01/11/2013
Contributor: novanilla novanilla
I think because my identity changes, I identify as a switch.
01/13/2013