The New Intimacy

Do you think Doms need to have experience as a sub to be considered a true Dom?

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Contributor: So Long Ya Doofuses! So Long Ya Doofuses!
I am getting a bit interested in BDSM, mostly the Dom and S&M parts. However, I keep getting the impression that one needs to have experience as a sub in order to then "advance" to being a Dom.

The thing is, the idea of being anybody's sub absolutely terrifies me. The thought of someone controlling me, even with my consent, puts me into physical panic mode. I have a hypnosis fetish, but only because I like seeing other people controlled, and I like the feeling of being a trance that I am in control of. I am my own master and would like to keep it that way. The only person I ever fantasize about giving into is myself. Frankly stated, I've been a sub in almost all other aspects of my life; school, work, life in general, and some of these experiences have been very scarring.

So what I want to know from those in the BDSM community here is: What do you think about someone who wants to practice dominating without having to be a submissive first (or ever)?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
A person can be a Domme without ever having to sub, no matter what their reason.
40
If you have to deal with subjugation or submission in everyday life, you should be able to dominate in the bedroom without ever having to submit to another person.
3
Nobody should feel forced to sub if they really only want to dominate.
36
Some experience as a sub is vital for being a Domme.
5
Some experience as a sub is required if you want to be a Domme.
1
Long-term experience as a sub is vital for being a Domme.
Long-term experience as a sub is required if you want to be a Domme.
Total votes: 85 (54 voters)
Poll is closed
11/20/2012
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Contributor: Taylor Taylor
I don't think the outlook that a Dom is more "advanced" than a sub is not correct. Also there is no one true way to anything in BDSM even though some people would like to convince you otherwise. So no you don't have to be submissive first if you don't want to.

What you should do however, is learn how to do things safely so you don't hurt your partner. Try things on yourself (like floggers etc.) so you have an idea of what you're doing and what it will feel like to your partner so you don't seriously hurt them.
11/20/2012
Contributor: novanilla novanilla
Why would you need to sub to be a dom? I don't really get why that would be necessary.
11/22/2012
Contributor: The Mother of a SiNner The Mother of a SiNner
Quote:
Originally posted by So Long Ya Doofuses!
I am getting a bit interested in BDSM, mostly the Dom and S&M parts. However, I keep getting the impression that one needs to have experience as a sub in order to then "advance" to being a Dom.

The thing is, the idea of being ... more
depends honestly
11/23/2012
Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
Quote:
Originally posted by Taylor
I don't think the outlook that a Dom is more "advanced" than a sub is not correct. Also there is no one true way to anything in BDSM even though some people would like to convince you otherwise. So no you don't have to be ... more
I agree with this. I'm not sure why you have the idea that a Dom is somehow an advanced version of a sub. It's just two different personality types. One isn't any better than the other.

Seconding the notion that there is no "one true way" for BDSM, despite what many believe.

Like Taylor says, you don't have to sub if you don't want to in order to be a good Dom.
11/23/2012
Contributor: RedKyuubi RedKyuubi
Not necessary, you only need empathy
11/23/2012
Contributor: palindromic palindromic
I'm really over the idea of "true doms" or "true subs". You're either a decent person who is good at what they do or not. With that in mind, I think it's important that doms have some sort of idea of what their subs go through. If someone's going to cane me, it's important that they've hit their own thighs with the cane a few times so that they understand what it feels like (empathy can only go so far, especially with regards to physical pain).

So it's very important to know how the things you're doing to someone else actually feel, but it's not necessary to somehow "work your way up" from sub to dom (as if there's a hierarchy of what's worthier...but that's another rant for another day). No one should have to submit or dominate if they don't want to; they just need to understand what they're doing.
11/23/2012
Contributor: RemusHalifax RemusHalifax
I think having experience in both positions will help you be a more "enlightened" Dom... but you certainly don't NEED to ever sub, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. What I would recommend, however, is that you read a lot of books and talk to a lot of people about BDSM you that you have a healthy understanding of every side of the dynamic. You should always know what your sub is going through and that could mean anything from simply talking to them to having a toy you use on them used on yourself. (I almost never use a toy on a sub without testing it lightly on myself first so that I can get a gauge for what it feels like.) And personally, I don't think I would feel alright putting someone else in a position that I myself wouldn't feel comfortable with, but every partnership is different, and that is up to your and your partner to figure out.
11/24/2012
Contributor: So Long Ya Doofuses! So Long Ya Doofuses!
All of these replies are very helpful, so thank you to all who have answered thus far! Now I just need to find a guy who would be willing to be my sub...that's probably gonna be the most difficult part for a little college girl like me! (Or I could always wait until I graduate in May, school is hectic right now.)
11/27/2012
Contributor: EverlastingPandora EverlastingPandora
Quote:
Originally posted by So Long Ya Doofuses!
I am getting a bit interested in BDSM, mostly the Dom and S&M parts. However, I keep getting the impression that one needs to have experience as a sub in order to then "advance" to being a Dom.

The thing is, the idea of being ... more
I think it depends on the individual Doms and Dommes. Some may fit directly into the role without the need to sub, and others have to adventure to find their niche. It all depends on the individual.

I apologize for your negative feelings. I don't think that it would be natural to be able to leap right into the kink world without a single reservations. As a switch, I top and bottom. I think that you just need to find a mentor that understands your needs and fears. The journey is a learning process that takes time and goes a long way. I suggest finding a teacher/mentor to help you on that path.
11/28/2012
Contributor: So Long Ya Doofuses! So Long Ya Doofuses!
Quote:
Originally posted by EverlastingPandora
I think it depends on the individual Doms and Dommes. Some may fit directly into the role without the need to sub, and others have to adventure to find their niche. It all depends on the individual.

I apologize for your negative feelings. I ... more
Would you happen to have any idea how I would go about doing that? Perhaps any sort of resources here on EF?
12/02/2012
Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
Quote:
Originally posted by So Long Ya Doofuses!
Would you happen to have any idea how I would go about doing that? Perhaps any sort of resources here on EF?
There's not a real source here for that, but cruise the BDSM forums threads and see if there's someone who posts a lot with ideas that align with yours. You can always PM that person asking if they would mind answering some questions/guiding you.
12/02/2012
Contributor: hall5885 hall5885
I picked two, you shouldn't be forced but some experience as a sub could help you be a better dom. But that's my own thinking. My thoughts on it is by having experience being a sub you'll know what it feels like so when you are the dom you'll know what they are feeling. I think it'll help you decide what to do with your sub. But like EverlastingPandora said some fit right into the role as a dom. And some fit right into the role of sub. It's really up to you if you want to experience what a sub experience.
12/03/2012
Contributor: ASpiritedSlut ASpiritedSlut
While I feel it is very important for a Dom/me to carefully consider, learn and understand the role and position of a sub, I do not think they have to be one in order to be effective. You either are or are not dominant by nature, same with submission. It is who you are, not what you do. This may evolve for some over time, or change depending on partners for some, but you cannot force someone into a box in which they will not fit. To say someone is not a "true" Dom/me because they do not fit your definition tells me more about you than it does about them.
12/04/2012
Contributor: Vaginas Vaginas
granted I don't really know anything about bdsm but maybe it would help people know they weren't being too hard on someone. it's like how you sometimes need to get pepper sprayed to own pepper spray
12/04/2012
Contributor: Caus Caus
Point blank: A dom is not advanced over a sub. In fact, the best way to look at it is that you're equals. Have a mutual respect for each other, have a bit of empathy and listen to what your sub tells you and you should do fine. It's a matter of just practicing with a lot of trial and error. A sub's role in the relationship is just as important as a dom's.
12/06/2012
Contributor: RavenInChains RavenInChains
A dom needs experience as a dom to be a real dom. Being a sub won't do anything for them, especially if it is not something they are comfortable with. The whole idea is akin to the "a surgeon should be cut" mentality, it makes no sense to me. Experience, education, and willingness to learn makes a good dom. You can empathize with your sub without ever having been one.
12/10/2012
Contributor: HydrogenBondage HydrogenBondage
Being a Dom is not any sort of advance or step up from being a Sub -- it is a matter of preference, and no one should be forced into either position. A good Dom needs to be aware and attentive to their Sub, and perhaps switching from Sub to Dom could aid in that, but it is not necessary to switch.

Dom skills come from Dom experience.
12/10/2012
Contributor: tunacan75 tunacan75
Caus said it best! You're equals, both in it for the pleasure, and both trying to become masters of your respective crafts, but cannot progress without one another!
12/10/2012
Contributor: phoenixfire phoenixfire
If you have a willing partner, you can play both roles and see what suits you best. (This is what I am doing. At the moment, I label myself a switch, merely because I enjoy both roles and have not figured out which is more fun for me yet.) You shouldn't feel the need to try subbing before you somehow have the "street cred" to be a domme. The advice from others to try things out on yourself, though, is excellent. Watch your partner's body language, pay attention to safe words and other small signals, and just take it slow at first. You can take cues from your partner as to how far they need you to ramp things up.

Don't feel limited to one role or the other, either. If I find that I am a true switch (that is, I enjoy both subbing and being a domme equally, depending on my mood) then that is what I will be, regardless of what the BDSM community at large thinks. It isn't their business. It's mine, and my husband's. Be what you are. (Gets down off soapbox.)
12/18/2012
Contributor: WordsmithingImp WordsmithingImp
Lots of other people said the right things--you're not required to make yourself super uncomfortable for a role or relationship. And even if you did sub, people are REALLY different in the way they react to physical and mental stimuli. There's nobody who can tell you what subbing feels like for your partner except your partner--so asking them about their body and emotions is your best bet.

I am also personally opposed to the idea of "true" doms and subs. You have a right to create the kind of relationship and power exchange that *you* and *your partner* want. Enjoy.
02/21/2013
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by So Long Ya Doofuses!
I am getting a bit interested in BDSM, mostly the Dom and S&M parts. However, I keep getting the impression that one needs to have experience as a sub in order to then "advance" to being a Dom.

The thing is, the idea of being ... more
You don't really "advance" to being a Domme but some experience or empathy with what your sub is going through makes for a more grounded understanding of the trust relationship that builds between a sub and a Dom. Given your fear I think that should be your guiding influence- in that you instinctively know the trust that a submissive it placing in you. You know how much this can be a gut wrenching thing...so you will be more careful to watch your sub's reactions for limits that shouldn't be pushed or should be approached carefully.

I think it might be beneficial for you to at least try putting yourself in the submissive role with a fully understanding and kind Dominant who can help you with your fears and teach you self mastery. Mostly, though, I think it would help you with empathy for your future subs. Submission is a POWERFUL role and the relationship between a sub and Dom can be more erotic and charged that any other type of relationship...it can also be deep and trusting as well. When a sub enters his/her head space he/she depends on you to know when to continue and when to stop. A sub deep in his/her head can take the scene too far quite easily leading to nasty complications...but that's another discussion!

Do I believe it is vital to advance to Domme by being a sub first? No, not at all! But I do believe it is vital that a Domme be willing to do and accept whatever she asks of a sub and to understand the fears and power of a submissive position from the inside. Whatever you decide I am sure will be exactly what you should have decided. You have the answer inside of you!
02/23/2013
Contributor: tami tami
Quote:
Originally posted by So Long Ya Doofuses!
I am getting a bit interested in BDSM, mostly the Dom and S&M parts. However, I keep getting the impression that one needs to have experience as a sub in order to then "advance" to being a Dom.

The thing is, the idea of being ... more
i like being the dom one and do not like giving up control to someone else
02/24/2013
Contributor: Sima-pusya Sima-pusya
A person can be a Domme without ever having to sub, no matter what their reason.
02/24/2013
Contributor: Hot4You Hot4You
You don't need to have been a sub to be a Dom.
02/24/2013
Contributor: OhMyGlob OhMyGlob
nope
02/24/2013
Contributor: ac0313 ac0313
Being a Dom(me) or sub is simply a state of mind. One does not need experience in one to be effective in the other. There is actually a term for someone who is both, even if (s)he acts primarily in one role over the other and that is a switch.

The problem with many who enter into the bdsm world is that they think they need to "try" to fit a particular ideal definition of a Dom or sub. The truth is, each of us is naturally a Dom, sub, or switch. We can try to fit a specific role, but it will be difficult to feel natural if you are trying to "fit a square peg into a round hole."
03/01/2013
Contributor: damnbul12 damnbul12
Quote:
Originally posted by So Long Ya Doofuses!
I am getting a bit interested in BDSM, mostly the Dom and S&M parts. However, I keep getting the impression that one needs to have experience as a sub in order to then "advance" to being a Dom.

The thing is, the idea of being ... more
A person can be a Domme without ever having to sub, no matter what their reason.
03/05/2013
Contributor: lolisadist lolisadist
It should always be a mutual discussion between the two. If they need to start small then she should talk about that. It's all about trust if done correctly
03/10/2013
Contributor: Gdom Gdom
Having experience subbing certainly wouldn't hurt a Dom(me), but it's not necessary by any means.
03/11/2013