Most people know Jenny as The Bloggess, a prolific writer with a sense of humor and style that many are scrambling to imitate. How does a woman who hides in the bathroom at most blogger conferences and muses on clown porn get to be an online sensation?
Jenny is a columnist, blogger, mom and comedian. Her personal blog, thebloggess.com, is extremely popular and has developed a cult following, according to Marie Claire Magazine. She’s been a regular contributor to the online Houston Chronicle since 2006 and also writes a popular advice column for PNN and a satirical sex column for SexIs Magazine. Jenny has been the keynote speaker at major conferences, as well as featured on countless sites including Salon.com and MSNBC; and Gawker once referred to her as an "interesting psycho". She prefers the term "creative visionary".
Jenny suggests you ask her about how she gets her hair so shiny, or what’s wrong with her. But we know that’s a wig, and there’s nothing wrong with Jenny – she created a pitch perfect style that grabs readers, and keeps them. Whether inadvertently mobilizing the Bloggess Army, going to Japan on a sex culture / geisha mission of sorts, interviewing porn stars, giving sex advice, or relating the hilarious arguments she has with her husband, The Bloggess has us hooked. Join us in learning more about this unpredictable funny lady.
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What was the article for you that was the most fun to write?
Probably the one where I went to that Japanese sex hotel and rode on Agatha Christie (The plastic bondage pony). Mostly because of the look of complete horror on the face of my sweet, conservative husband as he stood near the door and wondered how his life had taken this bizarre and unsettling turn. It was awesome. And also kind of disturbing. Mostly awesome though.
Victoria (host): "That was so worth it though - you are one hell of an international sex correspondent."
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It's hard to be funny without offending someone. What's your best story of someone getting offended over something you did that was meant to be humorous? How did you deal with it? What do you do when people start taking you too seriously?
Once on twitter I asked William Shatner to come to my house for dinner so he could save my marriage. I may have also offered to buy him a hooker because I'm an excellent hostess. He thought I was mentally unstable and so he blocked me on twitter. It was a sad day for America. But then an entire army of kick-ass people mobilized to get me unblocked by writing hysterically awful things about William Shatner .
Things like:
William Shatner is the reason why Rose let go of Jack at the end of Titanic
Every time William Shatner sings a polar bear drowns.
William Shatner visits orphans in the hospital. And tells them Santa is dead.
William Shatner strikes up conversations in the men's room. While you're still peeing.
William Shatner always clicks "reply all".
Willaim Shatner likes grilled cheese and kittens. Together in one sandwich.
William Shatner drinks milk straight from the jug. YOUR jug.
William Shatner LOWERED baby Jessica into the well. And then left her there.
William Shatner is the one person that Jesus is still on the fence about.
There were thousands of them. You can read some of the best here: https://thebloggess.com/?p=3658
This went on for like a week and even got covered by MSNBC because they were apparently having a really slow news day. Then William Shatner's people contacted me and I'm not allowed to talk about that but he did finally unblock me. Then there was a tremendous celebration across the land because then I was free to see that William Shatner is coming out with a Christmas album. And that is exactly the kind of shit I needed to know.
I forgot what the question was.
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Miss Cinnamon
1 user seconded this question.
Did you ever once think, as a little girl, "One day I will bring catastrophic amounts of funny to the world"? Or were you depressingly boring as a kid while the comedic potential built up inside?
I was painfully shy as a kid and I almost never talked but inside I always had some ridiculous thing that I wanted to say that never came out of my mouth. It's only through blogging that I was finally able to release all the horrible things going on in my head and actually find people who laughed rather than made fun of me. Social media is a wonderful mask for shy, dorky people.Victoria (host): "Awww, that's really touching. I do think that this is one of social media's most positive outcomes."
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Laurie Dunsil
Is the Bloggess an identity you put on like your confidence wig or is this who you are 24/7?
It's who I am about 20% of the time. It's definitely my true inner-voice but I have to be a mom and a wife and a grown-up a lot so people who don't read my blog are always a little bit shocked to read it and find out what's going on inside my head. Last year I was still working in HR at a non-profit Christian organization (no joke) and my boss read a blog post where I used the c-word way, way, way too much. Like, even for me it was too much. She was all "I just kept saying to myself 'Is this my sweet, quiet Jenny?'" And yeah, it kind of is. I'm multi-faceted. And I say the c-word too much. -
Victoria
1 user seconded this question.
From talking to you and reading your blog, I have to do this for the readers: Please describe your parents' house
It's kind of awesome. My parent's house is filled with guns, antiques, dead animals and very strange people. Also, occasionally live raccoons and baby bobcats. My dad is a professional taxidermist and his shop (which looks exactly like an old western saloon) is right next to my parent's house so it's not unusual for the people in the house to be covered in blood. It's kind of awesome actually. It doesn't sound like it would be but it totally is. -
Mindy Bray Shocklee
When can we expect your first novel? I am sure you don't remember, but in a previous conversation on Facebook, I promised to buy at least 10 copies if you would write one soon
I'm actually supposed to be working on this today but I'm totally blocked. And distracted. I need someone to turn off my internet, I think. -
I remember reading in your blog once about messages being written on a cat...
Do you need a special sort of cat for that?No, you just need a small sandwich board. It's also helpful if you give the cat mild sedatives. It's also illegal. Apparently.
Details are here unless I did this wrong. My God, I'm bad at technology.
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What is the craziest thing you ever received in the mail?
I once got an enormous dildo wrapped in a Kate Spade bag. Also, when Lego was celebrating their anniversary they sent me a giant box of angry lego cross-dressers. They apologized and tried to get me to return them but there was no way I was giving those things up. It's like they were made for me.Victoria (host): "That dildo and handbag guy sounds kinda desperate, but the Legos are super cool! I covet the Legos."
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So when you were a child, I'll bet you didn't think to yourself "Someday, I wanna be a sex blogger!" (right?) How did you end up where you are now, and what did you think you'd be when you were a child?
When I was a little girl I wanted to be a ballerina-cowgirl who could turn into a unicorn at will. It hasn't happened yet but I'm still hopeful.
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Victoria
1 user seconded this question.
Who was the last person you wanted to stab? You haven't seemed all "stabby" lately - so I gotta wonder if you're holding back on us.
I haven't had to talk about wanting to stab people so much because my therapists said it's not good for you to not hold emotions like that inside. Now I just stab people directly and it feels way more healthy.
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El-Jaro
1 user seconded this question.
Who's out to get you? Do you have a list? Who would really surprise you?
I don't think anyone's out to get me. They say that the opposite of love isn't hate...it's apathy. I guess that's true because people either love me or just don't give a shit about me. Mostly it's the latter. God, how depressing... -
I love your humor and your articles. What made you decide to start writing in the first place? How did you get into writing about the subjects that you do?
Okay, I just talked to my therapist and turns out I TOTALLY misunderstood our last session so just ignore what I said about stabbing earlier. I never stab people. Because that would be wrong. And very messy. And a felony, apparently.
I started writing years ago on the Houston Chronicle to find my voice. It took a really long time before I felt comfortable enough to really write about the bizarre subjects I write about. Before I publish a post I always think "What in the hell am I doing? I can't post this." Then I do it anyway. I'm fairly certain that one day this will back-fire on me. -
TitsMcScandal
1 user seconded this question.
Has the shock factor worn off for you on some of the things that people send you? Does it take more to shock you now than it did when you first started out?
When I find that I've become unshockable that's when I know it will be time for me to quit. Luckily, the internets keep making more and more fucked up stuff so I don't think there's any worry there. -
I read your blog whenever I can, and the concept of a Confidence Wig intrigues me. I've only seen you with the blonde wig. Is that the one and only Wig, or are there others that you sometimes wear to the grocery store? How did you pick your current wig? Was there a process? Did it call out to you? And, most importantly, Does It Get Sweaty? I'm tempted to get a wig for myself, but the possibility of sweaty wig smell would deplete any and all confidence I might glean from wearing it.
I have a black one, a red one, a blonde one, a Bettie Page one, a Maude Lebowski one and probably more that I'm forgetting about.
I only wear them when I'm nervous. They're like my own personal disguises even though it's painfully obvious that I'm the one wearing a bad wig. Still, they're really nice to hide behind when you have an anxiety disorder like I do.
They're itchy but they don't make my scalp sweat. Then again, I don't really *ever* remember my scalp sweating so maybe that's a special gift I have. What an incredibly shitty gift.
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Why did you decide to tweet William Shatner? It's a brilliant idea, but I don't think I'd be able to pull it off.
I tweet messages to random people all the time that I never expect to answer me and most of them don't. I assumed William Shatner would ignore me (like everyone should) but instead he blocked me and there was no way that I could NOT make fun of the fact that William Shatner would go to the trouble to block me from seeing his tweets. It's so ridiculous it's like he was doing on purpose. In fact, it's possible he *was* actually doing it on purpose.
Oh William Shatner, you cunning little minx.
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What do you read/watch/listen to for laughs? Do you have a favorite comedian/ienne? Favorite funny blog?
I love Eddie Izzard, Dorothy Parker, Will Ferrell, Ricky Gervais.
My favorite funny blog changes from week to week but right now I'm really liking emails from an asshole.
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Heather
1 user seconded this question.
I have to ask about your husband. I was in stitches reading about your husband in Japan trying to get receipts for tax purposes. The banter between the two of you is hilarious. How does he really feel about what you do?
He's largely unimpressed. Occasionally I'll get asked to do something that he thinks is cool (like landing on an aircraft carrier which he was insanely jealous of) but for the most part he thinks the whole social media scene is rather ridiculous. It's hard to argue with him considering that I sort of write vagina jokes for a living. -
Luscious Lily
1 user seconded this question.
Have you ever had an idea for a post that was just too crazy for you to write, or to publish? I mean, after clown porn it must be kinda hard, but if there is, what was it?
I wouldn't say there's anything too "crazy" for me to write about but I do try to never write anything that would actually hurt someone or make my readers feel like they have to defend me. Sometimes I'll write something that I think is hysterical but it's just a bit too irreverent or edgy and I'll call a friend and read it to her and she'll laugh and say "That was awesome. You can never, never publish that." And I don't.
Good friends make good editors. -
What is the most important goal you aim to achieve through your writing?
To make people laugh. To make life happier. To give people permission to be silly. To feel less alone. -
Sammi
2 users seconded this question.
What other porn stars would you like to interview? Would you have any advice for them?
I'd like to interview John Holmes. When he was alive, I mean. Or now. I'm not that picky. -
Delete My Account
1 user seconded this question.
Is there any topic you consider out of bounds?
How DARE you ask me that.
This interview is over. -
TitsMcScandal
1 user seconded this question.
I know a lot of people send you the weird crazy stuff, but do you ever go out searching for it? How do you find it? Where do you look?
I very seldom have to go out looking for bizarre stuff on the internet because so many people think of me when they find horrible things and they automatically send them over. I'm pretty lucky though in that most of the stuff that gets sent to me straddles that fine line between really disturbing and also vaguely safe for work. It's very rare that I open a link and actually think "WTF?! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SEND ME THAT?!"
A lot of stuff that I link to is from Craftastrophe.net or Regretsy.com. I highly recommend them both. -
seaofneptune
2 users seconded this question.
What was your favorite thing about Japan? How did you feel dressed as a Geisha?
I think my favorite thing about Japan was petting ponies on the top of Mt. Fuji. I never really wrote about it because it's not actually funny but it was totally surreal.
Dressing up like a Geisha was awesome. And also really, really uncomfortable. I was wearing so much makeup that if I smiled my face would crack, my eyes were taped back, I was in 5 layers of clothes and the head-dress alone weighed about 10 pounds. Plus the shoes were 6 inches tall and none of the people who worked there spoke English so I just smiled and nodded a lot until my interpreter told me that the photographer was yelling at me to stop smiling because geisha's don't smile apparently.
I saw a real Geisha later on in the week and I wanted to give her a high-five but I wasn't sure if Geisha's did that so instead I just said "You go, girl!" She didn't respond but I suspect she was not smiling at me on purpose as a sign that she knew that I knew the no-smiling code. Or possibly she just didn't speak English and was confused about why I was yelling at her. Could be either one really.
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Am I ever getting that bobcat skull from your Dad?
I'm pretty sure you're on the waiting list. Cross your fingers that yours doesn't have candy-cane antlers. -
Sundae
1 user seconded this question.
Ok, Carrie Ann already cornered the cat question niche with her first question, but I had one too I thought of last night and she just beat me to it. I'm going to ask anyway and be daring. How did you train your cat to ride on your head? Do you need a little leather skull cap like falconers have to prevent talons ripping into their flesh? Is your cat really light? Does it ever fall off? Does that mess up your Confidence Wig?
Rolly is actually shockingly heavy and I did not train her to do this.She just does it. Luckily she only jumps on my head when I'm wearing a towel although she jumps on my back every single time I bend over to pick something up. Maybe she just likes towels. I may have to just stop using towels because it's going to be very embarrassing when I have to explain to the doctor that I got this herniated disc in my neck from wearing my cat around the bathroom.
Victoria (host): "Chiropractic is your friend!"
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The all important question: cheddar or swiss?
Cheddar. The sharper the better. -
Elly Lonon
4 users seconded this question.
Does Victor ever stomp his foot and demand that you not publish something you've written? If so, do you squish your face up funny and scream, "I am a Banana!" and push the publish button anyway or do you find some middle ground so he's ok with it? Or does he just not read your blog?
It's not unusual for Victor to yell "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BLOG THIS" in the middle of an argument. Particularly when I make him stop so I can find paper to write down whatever ridiculous thing he just said. He doesn't really read the blog though so he just assumes that I'm listening to him. I'm totally not. -
Jarrod Yeomans
3 users seconded this question.
Do you ever get recognized in the street? Like do people come up and be all like "Oh my god its the Bloggess!" and then ramble on with some story you don't really want to hear about but your too polite to tell them your busy?
It's really, really rare. The last time was at a boat show. I'd just bought a metal javelina and I had it tucked under my arm when someone said "Are you the bloggess?" I asked if it was the fact that I was carrying metal pig around that tipped her off. She didn't really answer but I think we both recognized that it certainly didn't hurt. -
theyamqueen
3 users seconded this question.
So, my puppy has started humping my arm. Does Barnaby Jones do this? Does Barnaby Jones need a play date? Not a "play" date, unless he's into that sort of thing. My dog is naked and generally kind of creepy looking and we live in Cincinnati, but arrangements can be made.
I think Barnaby Jones has some sort of sexual disfunction because he never humps anything. Or maybe pugs just like their privacy. Regardless, he's a public non-humper. He'd probably love a paydate though. Humping optional. -
Mommy Blogger? Sex Blogger? Do people often peg you as a "type" and how do you deal with it? I know you go to some of the mom-centric conferences and have been a keynote speaker at some of those gigs - so is it true...Jenny, are you the filthiest/wackiest of the mommy bloggers?
So, you are a Mommy Blogger and a Sex Blogger. Which one do you devote more time to? If you had to stop one of them today, which one would you continue on with? Which one do you get more enjoyment out of?
I get called a lot of different things...many of them not repeatable in polite company. Personally, I classify myself as a "humor blogger" because that's the common theme in all four of my blogs but I don't have a problem being called a "mommy blogger" or a "sex blogger" or "deviant psychopath". It's just a label.
I devote the least amount of time to my mommy blog and it's definitely the least trafficked and least commented on but it's probably the one blog I would continue on with above the others because it's the best way for my extended family to see my daughter grow up. -
You are known for spending a lot of time in your bathroom, is your bathroom decked out really nicely? Do you have bookshelves in there? How about a tv? Gaming consoles?
No, it's just a normal bathroom. I only hide in public bathrooms. In my house I'm comfortable enough that I don't have to hide. So basically my entire house is just one big bathroom.
God. That sounds really disgusting -
APRILSFOOL
7 users seconded this question.
I'm curious. What does James Garfield smell like?
Also:
You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
and
What is your current desktop picture?I'm not going to lie.James Garfield smells gamey. Gamey and adorable.
Steely Dan.
Steely Dan. But only because Victor is fucking with me and knows I don't know how to change my desktop picture back.
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Mrs. Sparks
5 users seconded this question.
Your daughter is adorable. Your husband makes me laugh. You make me smile every day and I "keep in touch" at least three times a week. In short, I feel like I know you.
So, um, why didn't you get me anything for my birthday? I mean, what, a phone call is too much to ask?
Also, the Diet Dr. Pepper thing confused me, too. Did you ever get to try Bawls? And if so, how did Bawls taste?I called you but you didn't answer and I don't like to leave messages on answering machines because I'm afraid it will steal my soul. I thought nice things for you though and I didn't blow up Steely Dan even though I had a button that would let me. I didn't want your birthday to always be overshadowed by "the day Steely Dan got exploded". You're welcome.
Also, no. I never got to try bawls but I'm really looking forward to it next time the opportunity presents itself.
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Gary
4 users seconded this question.
If you had a choice, would you rather there be a Bloggess cartoon or a Bloggess breakfast cereal?
Depends. Is it like an Adult Swim offensively clever cartoon or kid's cartoon. Who's on board? Do we have a director or do I have to find one?
You know what? I choose breakfast cereal. Way less work. -
Sephymuffins
4 users seconded this question.
Just FYI, you looked awesome as a Geisha.
But I must ask.
What do you think about the Twilight movies?Not a huge fan. I love the books but the Edward in my head is clever and self-confident and the Edward in the movies seems like he's had some sort of brain trauma and Bella looks like she's on too many quaaludes. I want to shake both of them every time they're on screen. I do like Jacob though. I'm not sure why anyone would care about this. -
PoshNicole
3 users seconded this question.
You get a TON of comments on your blog. I mean seriously, you can type something as small as "hey, I broke a nail today" and all of a sudden you have 150 comments on that one post. My question is, do you always read ALL of the comments? Or have you trained your cat to read them and write a memo to you regarding only the one's he thinks you would enjoy?
I read all my comments obsessively. I hardly ever comment back though because I'm too intimidated by my commenters. My commenters are way more funny than I am. That's not humility. It's just life. -
LicentiouslyYours
3 users seconded this question.
What blogs do you read regularly?
I read tons of blogs.
A few of my favorites are:
https://www.sweetsalty.com/
https://www.chookooloonks.com/
https://thequeso.com/
https://www.geekologie.com/
I tend to read most of the people who comment on my blog although I don't usually comment because I suck. -
Carrie Ann
3 users seconded this question.
A lot of bloggers claim to be famous or celebrities due to the fact that they have popular blogs. When, in your opinion, does someone "really" reach that status? Do you consider yourself a celeb?
"Famous blogger" is an oxymoron. The main reason why anyone gets into blogging is that they're too socially awkward to deal with people in real life. At least that's how it works with me. This might not apply to anyone else. But this weekend I'm going to be crowned as an official Czar by the Mayor of Martindale so yeah, I'm a pretty big deal.*
*No, I'm really not.**
**I'm really not a big deal, I mean. I'm TOTALLY going to be crowned as a Czar this weekend. Why would I lie about that?
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If you were a vampire (a la Twilight style), what would your special power be?
People often tell me they pee when they read my writing so I guess my special power would be that I could make people pee using only THE POWER OF MY MIND.
Which is kind of a shitty super power.
Except that if you were in a fight with someone and they were winning you could make them pee on themselves and even if they killed you it would be a hollow victory because of the peeing on themselves.
It's probably better if I just stay human. -
BridgetCallahan
4 users seconded this question.
Do you ever contemplate using your army of internet followers for evil instead of good? How do you cope with this moral dilemma on a daily basis? Also, do you need any help coping with it, cause I happen to be an expert at both moral dilemmas and mobilizing the masses for misunderstood purposes.
Actually, the Bloggess Army is non-sanctioned and kind of awesome. I don't really know what they're doing. I don't even access to the website. I just stop in every once in awhile and say "Good work! Keep doing...you know...whatever you're doing" and they nod at me like you would to a small child and then they get back to curing cancer or whatever it is they're doing. They're kind of awesome.
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sophie2229
3 users seconded this question.
Can I borrow your hairdryer?
I'm kind of attached to it. But you can buy one for like $15. It's the Andis Prostyle 1600. I've had it for like 10 years. They should really send me money. -
Victoria
3 users seconded this question.
Do you have to deal with name-droppers yet? People who claim to know you or be "really good friends" with you, that you don't even know? It seems like you would, from some of the clamoring I've seen online.
I don't think so. I'm pretty accessible so chances are that if someone says they know me they probably do. I can't imagine anyone making up the fact that they know me unless they have really low expectations in life.
I do have a problem though with being good friends with people online and then when I meet them in real life and they don't have their avatar next to their face I have no idea who they are and I have to fake it until it clicks. This is why everyone should have a picture of their blog and avatar on their shirt all the time. Except for me. I already know me.Victoria (host): "Those t-shirts should be sold at conferences - like how they make them to order at the boardwalk shops down the shore :)"
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ThePornLibrarian
3 users seconded this question.
Did you see the part in Clown Porn where two dudes are double teaming a girl and then they high five? I think it might help to change your mind about the genre.
High Five!Wow. Okay, I changed my mind. Clown porn is even creepier than I thought it was. Also, that link is not safe for work or for any living thing. Ever.Victoria (host): "We do torment you, huh?"
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Airen Wolf
2 users seconded this question.
Who's your favorite toy?
I'm not sure if I understand the question but I have to say that Eden Fantasys once sent me an inflatable sheep ("With the real sheep sounds you love!") as a joke and it's kind of awesome to take it to fancy hotels fully blown-up. No one ever questions it. -
CyraEm
2 users seconded this question.
First, what's Victor's real name?
Second, what's your cat's name?
Third, I'm a little surprised you don't post huge, capacity crashing photo galleries of Hailey ALL THE TIME. I've seen your Flickr. You show amazing restraint. She's adorable. Anyway, my question is, how did you get so good at photo-editing. You're not like, turning pictures of celebrities into lizards, but you're still pretty awesome and all your pictures end up looking really cool. So what are your secrets. I promise I won't tell anyone.Victor's real name is Victor. Sort of. His REAL real name is the same as his father's name and it was confusing to everyone in the family so everyone calls him Victor instead. I should make up a better story than this because it's kind of boring.
I have an orange cat named Posey (boy), a grey cat named Rolly (girl), and a pug named Barnaby Jones Pickles.
Thanks! My secret is that I'm not a good photographer but I'm a really good photo-editor. My personal favorite editing site is picnik.com and I am totally addicted to it. Photofunia.com is good too but you'll spend the whole day there.
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originaloflaura
2 users seconded this question.
Tits are great, obviously, but what about fake tits? What's your take on boob jobs, and what would you tell someone close to you if they wanted to get theirs done?
I'd have them go to therapy first to make sure they were doing it for the right reasons and if they were and they understood all the risks I'd support them completely. -
April Flores
1 user seconded this question.
I totally understand your theory on the confidence wig. Would you ever get wigs that are bright colors (pink, blue)? I think you'd look totally hot in a baby pink wig.
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Carrie Ann
2 users seconded this question.
Is it weird for you to have so many people feel they really know you when you have no clue who they are?
Not really because they really do know me. It's just that they only know one little part of me. The other parts languish in dark closets. No one should see those other parts. They're better kept hidden. -
Are you prepared for the zombie apocalypse?
True story: I have a chest of samurai swords and a riot gun in the bedroom so I'm about as ready as I'm going to get. I don't plan on surviving though. I can't even make it through the winter without getting the flu. I'm way too susceptible to survive a full-blown apocalypse. -
Luscious Lily
1 user seconded this question.
What do you think is the sexiest food? I mean, chocolate and oysters are supposed to be aphrodisiacs, whipped cream is seen as a bedroom staple, mushrooms can look like little penises, cucumbers have earned a reputation as easy sluts, and corn has its own vibrator, for crying out loud. Of all the crazy, tasty, ridiculous foods out there, which one screams "sex!" to you?
Kiwi's. They look like little testicles. I can't look at them and not think "Wow. That's totally a testicle." It's probably just me. -
Kenji
why do females obsess about the perfect guy and they know that it is just a fantasy?
i hope i win 1st -_-'There's no such thing as the perfect guy. If you were with someone who was perfect you'd feel bad about yourself all the time because you're not perfect. The best bet for a great relationship is to find someone who's slightly less of an asshole than you are.Victoria (host): "Best advice ever!"
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Alright, time for the traditional question. Please finish the sentence: "Sex is..."
I went to look up the actual definition and the first entry under "sex" in the Urban Dictionary is: "What kind of moron are you that you look up sex in the urban dictionary? Seriously, get off now before I turn off the internet."
I think I just got yelled at by the internet.
Sex is...vaguely threatening? -
Pandahb
1 user seconded this question.
I really like Panda Bears, what would you think about a Unicorn crossed with a panda? Or a panda riding a unicorn?
Pandas scare the shit out of me but a panda riding a unicorn sounds like a total bad-ass. I'd buy one. -
AllyB
Last question: if you could have any pet in the world, what would you have?
A panda riding a unicorn. Except that I think that counts as two pets. Unless you sewed them together. Which is probably illegal. Never mind. I'll just take a ferret. -
AllyB
If you had to be a vampire or a zombie (and actually had a choice in the matter even though I'm pretty sure you *don't* always have a choice in the matter unless your boyfriend is a vampire... or something... do zombies even *have* girlfriends?) which would you pick?
I'd rather be a vampire, because zombies can't kill vampires but vampires can kill zombies. It's like a fucked-up game of rock, paper, scissors. Plus, vampires are glittery. No contest, really. -
sophie2229
4 users seconded this question.
How has becoming "the bloggess" changed your everyday life?
It's given me confidence to be myself and to give myself permission to find out who I am. Last year I quit my job and decided to write full-time, which is really my passion. Without blogs I never would have had the chance to become who I am. I'm not entirely sure that's a good thing but it feels "right". And also dangerous. -
cdmtx
Was there ever something - toy,place etc. where you said "No Way" ?
I said no to sitting on the Japanese sex pony without having a layer of protective toilet paper on it first. I'm kind of a prude that way. -
jdinga
3 users seconded this question.
What do you think your life would have been like if you were born 20 years earlier and you had no internet? Could anything have replaced the relationship you describe in your beautiful valentine video?
Was there any forum that would have let you share your world-view? I'm picturing group therapy sessions in a lock-down ward as the most likely -- but those would have been the most kick-ass group sessions ever!
Love your work!I think I would have found a way to express myself some how. Probably by spray painting obscene diatribes on freeway overpasses. It's nice to not have to do that so much now. -
Shanna Germain
3 users seconded this question.
Just because I have to ask: Are you ever, ever serious? I ask because most of the stuff that I write is really serious and totally downer-ish and (as my friends will tell you, without even being prompted -- good friends, those), "those things you write make us worry about you sometimes" but in person, I'm obnoxiously bubbly and stupidly funny.
Are you more serious in person? Or is your on-the-page persona closer to the real you?People who meet me in real life say I'm sweeter than what they expect from my online persona. I'm not sure if that's a compliment but I say "thank you" anyway. I do sometimes get really depressed and write very serious things but I don't often publish them because I know that most people come to my blogs to laugh and escape real life rather than be reminded of it. Still, I think it's important to be honest and I have written serious posts about dealing with mental illness before. This one in particular seemed to really strike a chord with a lot of people.
-
Mazarin
2 users seconded this question.
So, I understand you have some experience with depression. Ever thought about trying to make that funny?
(Hey, if Richard Pryor could make being a drug addict on fire funny...)I do sometimes. I think anything that can be survived is something that can have humor in it. Depression and anxiety can lose some of their power if you can learn to laugh at them.
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April Flores
2 users seconded this question.
I think pugs are the most wonderful breed of dog ever. What is your favorite qualities pugs posses? Do you agree that you don't own a pug, they own you?
My favorite thing about Barnaby Jones is that whenever I rub his neck he snorts so loudly you can hear him from the next room. Pugs are the unintentional comedians of the dog world. -
hatstrap
1 user seconded this question.
If you had a friend who was a magical talking piece of cheese, what would you call him? It's definitely a boy cheese, by the way. It has very unfeminine eyebrows.
I'd probably call him "Lawrence" because I think being a talking cheese is hard enough without also being saddled with a ridiculous name. If you're a cheese named "Lawrence Bernstien" you'd at least have a *chance* at being being taken seriously at job interviews, but a talking cheese named "Mr. Cheezy Puff" is basically fucked. -
Pandahb
1 user seconded this question.
If I got a tattoo of a unicorn on my butt, would you totally high five me?
Is it an ironic unicorn tattoo or a serious one? Is the unicorn carrying a panda? You haven't really given me enough details to answer this question appropriately. -
sarahbear
1 user seconded this question.
Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? If yes, do you say "Seriously?!" every time some jackass takes something you posted... seriously? If no, what -do- you say?
Actually I'm a big fan of "Really?" As in, "Did that *really* just happen?" And yeah, it totally did. -
Evening Stewart
1 user seconded this question.
If you could choose two famous people (past or present) to have be a couple and have a baby who would it be and why? What would they name the baby?
I'd like to see Velma and Shaggy finally get it together and have a baby. They'd name her "Scooby" in remembrance, because dogs don't actually live that long so Scooby would probably be dead by now. -
What is the weirdest moment while traveling to other countries?
Toilets. Toilets are the most complicated things in the world. Even the ones that are just holes in the ground are confusing to me. Next time I travel I'm getting a catheter. -
SailorMoonxRRx
2 users seconded this question.
What is the funniest "sexperience" have you ever had? I have had quite a few...bed breaking on us, or falling off of the said bed...Ha, or even involuntary bodily functions at the worst possible moment!
I'm going to have to get Victor's written permission to write about this. So far he's balking. -
sophie2229
1 user seconded this question.
How did you come up with the idea of a "confience wig?" What advice would you give to individuals who are afraid to vocalize their opinions?
I decided to wear a confidence wig the first time I ever "performed" on stage because I could hide behind the wig and if I really fucked up I could just take off the wig later and pretend that wasn't me. I wear them now when I'm really nervous because there's something very confidence-inducing about crazy-big hair. -
Have you ever considered doing stand up? I think you would be great!
I sort of tried that once. It was terrifying. -
Gabrihellish
1 user seconded this question.
If I wore you like Garanimals, would you make my butt look big(ger)?
It depends on your size really. I'm a size 12 this week so if you're bigger than that I would probably be like a girdle. If you're really petite though I would make your ass look enormous. -
April Flores
2 users seconded this question.
Hello Bloggess! I want to know if we were to go out and get drunk, would you make out with me??? Our lipstick would smear all over our faces, and we'd look like slutty clowns. You in?
Totally. -
TitsMcScandal
1 user seconded this question.
What else do you plan on doing? You have many blogs and I know you are coming out with a book, but anything else that you want to accomplish?
I want to go to Amsterdam before it gets less "Amersterdam-ish". Also, I'd like to bring my cat Bubba back from the dead. -
Sheree Lewis
Why is it I can only have an orgasm with my vibrator? Plz. assist,LOL
Could be trust issues, or possibly you're just not doing it with people who know what they're doing. Or maybe it's just that most men's penises don't vibrate. It's an issue. I suggest seeking out a sexual partner who has a vibrator for a penis. Like maybe some sort of kinky robot or a man who lost his penis in the war. -
EveEnsler'sTwat
1 user seconded this question.
When did you change your name from Dooce?
I appreciate the confusion but contrary to some schools of thought, we are not actually the same person. You can tell the difference because she's taller, thinner, and much more successful than me. Awesome. Now I'm depressed again. -
Pandahb
1 user seconded this question.
Your husband seems so calm about all the crazy/whacky thoughts you have going on inside your head. Has there even been a time when he has something really crazy/whacky ? Or something that just had you laughing really hard?
Victor's actually the funny one in our relationship. I'm not being humble. He's way quicker on his feet than me in real life. I think he just *seems* calm by comparison. Everyone does when they stand too close to me. -
~*Sheena B*~
1 user seconded this question.
what inspired you to create your blog?
I thought it would help me find my voice and also it was a way for my family (all out of town) to keep up with me and watch my daughter grow up without missing too much. -
AllyB
Do you ever feel like "shit, I'm just *not* funny today"? What do you do about your writing on those days? Do you feel pressure to be hilarious all the time?
It's not unusual for me to spend a whole day writing and then delete all of it because it's just not funny enough. I try to have a few things banked up for those days but when I'm really stuck I just go read or watch something funny and it'll either inspire me or distract me. -
Tlaurette
2 users seconded this question.
How do you come up with updates so often? I have the hardest time posting with any sort of frequency, I mean, I try to write a post about wanting a pet duck and wander off half way through. Maybe I'm just too ADD.
I have that problem too. That's why so many of my post end on such a weird disjointed note because I get distracted and never actually finish. I tried to get my doctor to give me ADD meds but she said they'd fuck with my anxiety meds so I just muddle through and work with whatever comes to my head. And also, ducks are kind of over-rated because I had a pet duck when I was little and it was...ooh look. That cloud looks like a bunny.
