Em and Lo have been writing about sex for over ten years beginning their careers at Nerve and then blogging for The Daily Bedpost. Now, after launching EMandLO.com they continue to educate and learn. What do they think future looks like for sex writing and education?
Sex and relationship writers Em & Lo are the team behind EMandLO.com, a 3x-daily blog about sex, love and everything in between. In all the advice they give -- online, in books, on TV -- they strive to be informative yet fun, opinionated but not (too) judgmental, philosophically complex yet down-to-earth, sexy but never sleazy, progressive and ethical. They believe in woman’s rights, gay rights, comprehensive sex education, personal responsibility, honest communication, man made lube, good condoms, flat-front pants, and ’80s pop culture references.
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Victoria
1 user seconded this question.
Are there some "Don't go there" topics that you just don't get into on EmandLo.com? If so, why?
Em & Lo: We don't really write about our own sexual lives, preferences, experiences, etc. (at least not any more) -- we're from that pre-Facebook generation where privacy is valuable. And while we like to talk openly and honestly about sexual topics on our site, we never aim for it to be racy or titillating or erotic. There are plenty of other sites for that. That's why you won't see any nudity on EMandLO.com, save for the occasional naked Renaissance sculpture. Also, we think that there's a danger when writing about sex to assume that the way it is for you, is the way it is for everyone. Being in a writing partnership has helped us to avoid that pitfall (because Em will suggest one universal move and Lo will say she hates it, for example) -- and so that's another reason to steer clear of our personal experience. What we like ourselves is so specific (and that's true of everyone, sex writer or no) that it's not that helpful to readers. -
Victoria
1 user seconded this question.
How different was it writing for and planning for TV, from how it is writing online or writing for the books? Can each of you talk about how writing differs for you and which you prefer?
Em & Lo: With TV, it has to be all sound-bite-y and short, so you don't have the time to get into much detail or depth. Plus, you don't have as much (if any) control over how you get edited. With books, you have much more control -- at least, we have, we've been very lucky that way! -- and online you have the most control and freedom. We prefer the latter, but sadly it doesn't pay very well. -
MuffysPinguLove
3 users seconded this question.
What is your favorite sexual aspect to write about?
Em: One of our books, "Sex Etiquette," used Emily Post lingo and format to dish sex and relationship advice, which I loved -- I've always loved the intersection of sex advice and etiquette, and talking about basic manners in the bedroom. It's amazing how much of good sex advice boils down to basic good manners, from making sure everyone gets an orgasm to calling a date if you say you'll call.
Lo: I like to debunk gender stereotypes and get away from the whole men are from mars dichotomy. It's not easy sometimes, since some of our own gender biases are so deeply ingrained they just emerge unintentionally. Plus, writing for women's magazines doesn't always help, either. -
Carrie Ann
3 users seconded this question.
On your website, you say y'all have only had one fight. Tell! What did you fight about and how to you prevent fighting on a regular basis, as so many of us are prone to doing with those closest to us?
Lo: I will tell this one, since Em always gets the details wrong. During our cross country tour for our first book, The Big Bang (in which we drove by ourselves to 15 cities in 5 weeks in a Ford Taurus that we called the Clitaurus), we had to get ourselves to a radio station outside of San Francisco early one morning and brave the crazy fast rush hour traffic while not knowing exactly where we were going (no GPS at that time!). Em was on the phone with the radio station trying to get directions (she'll tell you she was actually doing the interview live over the phone, but that wasn't the case), so I was telling her to tell the person on the phone some details about where I thought we were and that made it hard for Emma to hear the person on the phone (I'm sure it was annoying). So in order to get me to shut up she hit me...hard...on the arm...while I'm driving! In the sternest voice I've ever used with her, I told her "Don't. You. Ever. Hit. Me. Again!" We didn't speak all the way to the radio station and then we had to do the interview on the air pretending to be all buddy buddy while I was absolutely fuming.
Despite Em's lack of restraint in that one instance, she actually shows a lot of emotional restraint consistently -- it must be a British thing. She's very level headed and calm and not reactionary at all -- which rubs off on me and helps keep our relationship very respectful.
Em: Well, I was going to tell my side of it, but then Lo went and said all those nice things about me and now it would feel churlish to do so! Plus, my guy and Lo will both tell you that I have a TERRIBLE memory, so even though I feel sure that I was doing a live radio interview at the time (with a different radio station, not the one we were driving to), there is a distinct possibility that I am misremembering. Either way, it still makes me laugh when I think about how hard we faked our niceness to each other during that radio interview. -
Kayla
2 users seconded this question.
How did you know that this was the type of writing that you wanted to write for? Do you ever have any regrets? What about in public? What do you tell people when they ask what your career is?
I guess, as a final question: What is the weirdest reaction you've ever gotten when telling someone what you girls do for a living?Em: I'll answer the second part of this question seeing as I absolutely have the weirdest story along those lines: One night I was in a bar and was telling this guy what I did for a living. Unfortunately it's not nearly as good of a pickup line as we once hoped it would be, but anyway, apparently this guy thought it was really cool. Later in the evening, as I was standing in line for the unisex bathroom (in a dark hallway at the back of the bar), he came up to me, unzipping his pants as he walked, saying, "I've always thought that I was smaller than average. I was wondering if you could take a look and give me your professional opinion..." I'm not sure whether he was seriously concerned or just thought that would be a good pickup line -- I didn't wait around to find out. As I was running away, he chased after me, yelling, "But you're a professional!"
As for what we tell people we do for a living, it really depends on the context. At family reunions we might say we write about dating and relationships, or just "for women's magazines."
We both just happened into this field -- we met as editors at Nerve.com, which is a magazine about sex. But neither of us ended up there because we had a particular interest in sex writing, we just thought it was a really smart, interesting, groundbreaking magazine. The sex was sort of beside the point -- if sex can ever be said to be that. We definitely weren't "experts" of any sort at the time, either -- we've just educated ourselves over the years. We started off by calling ourselves "near-experts," though after writing about this stuff for 10 years, we think it's probably time to drop the "near."
Regrets? No, definitely not. There have been ups and downs, sure (like when Em's parents watched our UK Tv show for the first time... not a happy families moment!), but we've had an amazing time and wouldn't trade it for the world. -
Victoria
1 user seconded this question.
Your books are fabulous and people really love your witty and fun approach - but I wonder what the reality of putting out 6 books in under 10 years has been like? Has it gone from hectic to old hat at this point? And what aspect of sexuality are you ladies tackling next, ya know for lucky number 7?
As far as the number of books we've published goes (it's actually 7 total, since we ghostwrote one), we happen to write really fast. Perhaps being in a writing partnership helps us avoid writer's block -- plus we're both editors, too, which gives us an advantage in terms of organizing information. We're also a good team -- Em's speedy at getting words down on the page and Lo's great at the detail, like making sure the facts are right and everything flows. Especially key when you're discussing something complicated and risky like Japanese rope bondage!
We think the "old hat" thing is probably an occupational hazard for anyone who writes about sex -- even when we were writing our very first book, we'd joke about the fact that the last thing you want to do after a 12-hour day writing about sex is go home and actually have it. (Which is not always true, for the record, though sometimes it does feel that way.) The only two books we've written that are pretty similar are our first (The Big Bang) and our most recent (Sex: How to Do Everything) in the sense that they're both basically sex manuals. But the big difference for us is that we wrote them more than 5 years apart, during which time we both went through a lot of life changes. The Big Bang was a very young, jokey, wink-wink nudge-nudge book. For Sex: How to Do Everything we wanted to write a sex manual that felt more sophisticated, more sexy to read together as a couple (i.e. fewer poop jokes!). Plus, there's a lot more step-by-step how-to pics. So, sure, the information isn't all that new, but the voice and format are pretty different. Though we doubt we'll ever write another sex manual again! Our other books are fairly different topics, i.e. breakups, etiquette advice, sex toys, casual sex lingo.
That all said, we have no idea what aspect of sexuality we will tackle next! We've got a bunch of ideas, we just haven't decided which one to pursue. We're very open to suggestions -- what should Em & Lo do next...? What do YOU think we should write about next? -
Rufina
3 users seconded this question.
You write a lot for women’s magazines. Do you like how magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour present modern romance and sex? What would you change in the way modern mainstream media talks about sex?
Generally speaking, modern mainstream media tends to be very formulaic in its approach to sex. Emphasizing the differences (to a fault) between the sexes, being afraid to cover certain topics that are important and timely (the pleasure potential of men's prostrates, say), whittling things down to their most simple form (which eliminates the potential for in-depth coverage and true understanding, and can even end up misleading readers) -- these are the things we'd change, not just in magazines (both men's and women's) but on the bigger online sites as well as on TV. As an aside, we think there's a big difference in the way that Glamour and Cosmopolitan cover sex. It may not seem that way from their covers (because every magazine does that "978 ways to improve your sex life tonight!" thing), but we find the sex advice in Glamour more honest, real, and female-focused. Of course, we give sex advice in Glamour magazine, so we may well be biased.
But we're pretty sure Glamour mag has never told their readers to incorporate a scrunchie into a blowjob...
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Sammi
1 user seconded this question.
Doing a 10 episode TV program of your book SEX: How to Do Everything must have been exciting! How much more were you able to talk about and show by doing the episodes in the UK instead of the US?
It was very exciting! We lived in London for a few months, got our hair and make-up done, had our clothes picked out by a stylist, got a car service everywhere, met some cool people, and interviewed some interesting characters. And we could definitely cover topics on our show you'd never see on American television -- there's even an episode on freakin' anal play!
But it was also a little stressful. We were working 14 hour days, the channel had different ideas than we did about the vibe of the show, we had no control over how we were edited or what finally ended up in the show -- so while we never gave any advice we didn't believe in, we definitely would have presented the show as a whole differently: funnier, way less visually explicit, fewer depressing interviewees. (And we did find ourselves wishing occasionally that the Brits couldn't show QUITE so much on TV... like when the producers insisted on filming a guy giving himself a BJ...) Also, the producers tried really hard to make us sexy-siren presenters, which we're definitely not -- we're much more comfortable being goofy. Apparently, goofy doesn't really work with cheesy techno music. -
Who are some of your influences in both your writing and your lives. How does these influences show through in the way you approach your work?
Lo: My politics are a big influence -- so that means writing about reproductive rights, gay rights, comprehensive sexuality education, STD and HIV education & help, gender equality, etc. I just think a more open-minded, progressive approach to politics is inextricably bound to a more open-minded, progressive approach to sexuality, which I think can only help society. And by open-minded, progressive sexuality, I'm not talking about everyone becoming earnest, pony-tail-wearing polyamorists who wear butt plugs to work, sunbathe nude in Central Park, and talk about the qualities of their latest orgasm over dinner with friends; I'm talking about our culture accepting the fact that consenting adults DO have sex (and fall in love), often in ways that are not ways you'd personally want to do it, but so long as they are safe and not scaring the horses, then give them affordable access to birth control, STD protection and accurate health information, and let them be.
Em: Back in the 90s I started reading a lot of zines, both online and off (especially Bust and Bitch), and I found them truly inspiring in many ways: sense of humor, the way they talked to their readers, the way they talked about sex (they talked about vibrators!), the way they differed from glossy mags, and the way they could be simultaneously dorky, smart, dirty, and witty. Also, when I met Lo and we started writing together, I have to admit I was pretty apolitical -- so Lo's been a pretty big influence, too.
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Is there room in that bubble bath for me? I could totally do with a relaxing soak!
On a more serious note, though there are obviously great benefits that come from being a duo, do you see yourselves striking out on your own more in the future? What do you think you have learnt from being in the partnership and really making your names in this field together? Are there any projects on the horizon that you can give us some hints about?You SO did not want to be in that bathtub -- the shoot took forever, the water was cold by the end, and the bubbles kept disappearing so every five minutes the photographer's assistants would use a kitchen whisk to try to whip up more bubbles. Not nearly as relaxing as it looks, in other words...
As far as our partnership goes, it really is amazing how many benefits there are. The freelance writer's world is kind of a lonely one, and not terribly good for the ego, either (especially in the middle of a recession!). So we're able to be there for each other and keep each other's spirits up if an editor doesn't like something we submit, or we disagree with a book editor's edits, etc. And our strengths complement each other -- Em's more diplomatic, for example (meaning she prevents Lo from burning bridges sometimes) and Lo's much tougher in terms of demanding what we deserve. Who knows what crappy per-word rate we'd be getting these days if Em had made all the decisions along the way! Our advice benefits from the partnership, too, because it helps us avoid the temptation to assume that the way it is for us personally is the way it is for everyone else out there. And it's great to have your best friend be your business partner when some asshole guy puts your heart through the blender and you need a few heartbreak days off. There are times we've gone to the movies together in the middle of the day (sometimes sneaking in a few bottles of beer) to cheer each other up.
As for what's next, we really are a bit of a crossroads right now, where we're trying to decide what book should come next. (So yes, there are definitely more Em & Lo projects in the works!) We've always wanted to write a book for guys, though publishers keep telling us that won't sell -- but we haven't given up on that idea completely. A lot of people have asked us about writing a book for young people/teens -- but we think that every parent out there would want the book to be something different, so we're not sure that's possible. We've got a few other ideas, but we'll have to keep them under our hat for now. Agent's orders!
And don't ask us about striking out on our own, you'll make us cry! -
How did you two begin working for Nerve? Was it good experience that allowed you to branch off into what you do now?
Lo was working for The Phoenix in Boston when a friend of hers introduced her to Nerve, told her the company (which then consisted of three people) was looking to hire a 4th, and that she would love the site. She did and sent off her resume the next day, got the job two weeks later, and relocated to NY two weeks after that. Em showed up about a year later to help develop Nerve's online community space -- up until that point Nerve was basically just an online magazine. Em had been at Tripod.com, so she had experience with online community stuff. Em was probably employee #9 or so.
From day one we shared a desk and a phone and many many long days at the Nerve office. Fortunately we hit it off immediately. Our first project there was to create the NerveCenter, the community space -- we were the community hosts, which is how we first started to develop a joint voice, and to dub ourselves Em & Lo. The Nerve Personals were part of NerveCenter, and we decided that all these people coming to the site to find love (or lust) needed some advice. We were far from experts at the time, but we were very opinionated about how people should treat each other in love (and in bed) and knew how to upload content to the server, so we started publishing "The Em & Lo Down: Advice from Near-Experts" before anyone could stop us. We developed a pretty good following on this column, especially when it was syndicated to Salon, The Onion, and a bunch of other sites. And then Nerve asked us to write their first two original content books, The Big Bang and Sex Etiquette.
So, yes, our time at Nerve was an amazing experience in so many different ways, and it totally launched our career -- we wouldn't be here doing what we do without our time there. Also, we both met our husbands thanks to Nerve! Lo's husband was Nerve's original creative director (employee #3), and Em met her husband via the Nerve Personals. We are indebted, needless to say...
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ThePornLibrarian
1 user seconded this question.
I really appreciate the mix of good information, humor and pop culture found on emandlo.com. What are a few of the websites that you always catch up on when you're browsing the internet?
We're big fans of YourTango and TheFrisky, we love what they're doing. We also like Jezebel, the Daily Beast, Arts and Letters, FAILblog, Regretsy, The Onion, Salon, Alternet, PlannedParenthood, Feministing, Big Think... we could go on and on! Though we have to admit that we're lucky to have some very talented and dedicated interns who scour the web every day looking for stuff we might like. So mostly what we browse is the emails from them.
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Carrie Ann
2 users seconded this question.
The whole horoscope thing... How'd you guys get involved in that???
Readers asked, so we started publishing them -- first on Nerve (almost 10 years ago), then on EMandLO.com. We don't know why, but people love them some horoscopes! Our approach to 'scopes has always been rather tongue-in-cheek -- more entertainment than true astrological direction. Just don't ask us to do your chart. -
Lithaewyn
1 user seconded this question.
Has your education or experience at university contributed to your sexual education or benefited your careers? How so?
Em: I was a German major, so no, and no! But I was very involved with the daily student newspaper at school (The Daily Princetonian), I probably spent about 40 hours a week there. That was invaluable preparation for being a writer and editor.
Lo: I was an English major (psych minor...I know, so cliche), so that maybe helped...a little. Drunkenly hooking up with douchebags in college probably prepared me more for this career. That, and the language and gender course I took. -
Gary
1 user seconded this question.
This is a tradition here on the interviews, could you each finish this sentence: "Sex is..."
Em: Sex is subject matter ripe for interpretation.
Lo: Sex is not intercourse. I'm so sick of the conflation of those two things! Sex can certainly include intercourse, but it's not a given. Sex is also manual sex, oral sex, masturbation (mutual or solo), frottage, kink -- basically whatever turns you on and satisfies you. Dismissing these things as mere foreplay and characterizing them as "not counting" (or not counting as much) does a disservice to our sex lives. -
LicentiouslyYours
2 users seconded this question.
You two have been doing this for over ten years. What are some of the changes in our attitudes about sex have you observed?
[Em thought you were asking about people's attitudes at large, and Lo thought you were asking about our own personal attitudes, so we each tackled the question a bit differently.]
Em: It's hard to say exactly because I was at such a different place 10 years ago, so I was noticing different things. Ten years ago I feel like I was a lot more tied into what people thought about casual sex, dating, booty calls, etc. And now the whole concept of text sex seems so weird and young and alien to me! Whereas I feel like I'm a lot more tuned in to people in relationships with different libidos -- it's just what my peers are going through, I suppose. That all said, I think that one of the biggest changes I've seen is how much more comfortable people have become discussing sex -- at least online. Back when we started, being a sex advice columnist was still somewhat of a novelty. But now every campus newspaper has one, and there are a million blogs out there either offering sex advice or dishing about the blogger's own personal exploits. It seems like very little is completely private these days. In some ways that's been great (i.e. in terms of sexual education) though I do wonder how much fun sex will be if nothing makes us blush or seems completely taboo to discuss...
Lo: I WISH I could say I've been transformed into a sexual dynamo who's open to anything, but unfortunately, that's not the case. It's easier to give advice than it is to take it. You'd probably be horrified at how boring (relatively speaking) I am behind closed doors. I suspect my husband is. -
Kayla
1 user seconded this question.
What article was the hardest for you two to write and why? Was it personal? Split opinion?
Em: For me it was probably an essay we wrote for our friend Genevieve Field's anthology, Sex and Sensibility. The essay compared our friendship to a marriage and how it was probably preparing us for future long-term romantic relationships. We each wrote separate sections about the other one. It wasn't necessarily hard to write, but it was definitely pretty intense, both as a writer of my sections and as an editor of Lo's. We joke about the issues we covered in the essay all the time, but something about putting them down in a (mostly) serious essay was very different.
Lo: What Em's not telling you is that she HATES talking about her feelings and emotions, which is what probably made writing (and reading) such a personal, revealing essay so painful for her. I, on the other hand, really enjoyed writing that piece! -
Have you ever had a stranger approach either you in public about your work? Was the person a fan? Did sie ask for advice? Was it a positive or negative experience?
Lo: Em always seems to be the one to get asked advice questions by people she doesn't know (or doesn't know that well) in social situations. She's even been recognized once! I'm never there, it seems, so I don't have any good stories. Although when we shot our TV show "SEX: How to Do Everything" in both NYC and London, we set up 5-cent sex advice booths where strangers did walk up to ask questions (everything from "Is it alright for me to masturbate if I'm in a relationship?" to "I'm kinky and my boyfriend's vanilla -- what do I do?") which we answered on the spot -- and they paid!
Em: Lo's right, I always seem to find myself cornered at a bar or a party (or, once, in the women's bathroom!) by a stranger or near-stranger who wants advice on their sex life. Perhaps I just go out to bars too much! By this point, nothing really shocks me -- it's amazing how quickly you get used to hearing the intimate details of a stranger's kinks. But what I find *really* hard is when an acquaintance asks for advice. Strangers are fine, you can distance yourself. And good friends are fine, too, as you're used to dishing the dirt with them. But acquaintances, I always feel like, you know them just well enough to feel embarrassed, but not nearly well enough to be talking about such things. But maybe I'm such a prude. At a recent family reunion I found myself cornered by a distant relation who wanted to confide in me about his premature ejaculation problem. Never did a game of charades arrive at so welcome a time! -
OMG I love you guys! I have two of your books. I was first introduced to you guys when I went through a HORRIBLE breakup and bought some things to cheer me up. One item was the break-up book from you guys-Buh-bye. It was very entertaining as well as humorously but truthfully healing for me!
My question has to do with that book (which I about to review btw!). Did the advice and info in there come from mostly personal experience, friends, articles, etc.???Thanks so much Lauren! Sadly, a lot of "Buh Bye: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting Dumped" came from personal experience -- especially the section "10 Steps to Getting Over a Breakup" (we're seasoned 10-steppers). Some came from friends' horror stories, some from urban legends, and some we just guessed at (because you just KNOW that in the history of relationships, there have got to be plenty of people who've suffered a Valentine's Day Massacre, i.e. been dumped on February 14th). We think that our friends who went through horrible breakups find it quite therapeutic to air their dirty laundry, albeit anonymously -- they get a little thrill out of knowing that readers everywhere would read their story and think, "I can't BELIEVE that asshole did that to them!" -
What has been your most memorable moment throughout all your years working together.
Lo: For me, it's a tie between 1) our cross-country book tour we did for The Big Bang (like we mentioned before, we drove ourselves to 15 cities in a rented Ford Taurus -- the "Clitaurus" -- and sold books out of the trunk, held events in bars and presented the anal play chapter to audiences as retro flight attendants: "you may feel like certain items have shifted during the flight") and 2) shooting our 10-episode TV show "SEX: How to Do Everything" in New York and London, for which we got to sit on a bed in the middle of Times Square at night with all the lights and crowds gathering round -- that was definitely a moment we'll never forget.
Em: Ditto -- those two are pretty hard to beat! The third one I would add to the mix is when, halfway through our Big Bang tour, an article about us and our book came out in Time magazine. It was almost a full-page photo with a big glossy pic of us and a rave review. It was so nice to be recognized by such a legit, family-friendly magazine. And needless to say, such mainstream accolades were comforting to our parents, too -- if Time mag liked us, how dirty could we really be?! -
Wild at Heart
1 user seconded this question.
Growing up, did either of you ever think that you would become so passionate and knowledgeable about something such as sex and relationships?
Em: That would be a big fat N-O. I grew up in a born-again Christian household and thought, until age 21, that I would "save myself" for marriage. 'Nuff said.
Lo: Growing up, I was always very sex positive: started humping the coffee table at a very young age; had two (consecutive) loving and sexually-positive committed relationships in high school; wrote my 11th grade English term paper on "Lady Chatterley's Lover" and read Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty series as a senior; went to Planned Parenthood and the Pink Pussycat Boutique before graduation; handed out condoms to fellow college students -- but sex wasn't a huge part of my life, it wasn't an interest that I planned to turn into a career at all. Ending up at Nerve was simply a happy accident. -
thatonegirl
1 user seconded this question.
I have to ask.
How fun was it doing the photo shoot for the photo used.See Sundae's question and our answer above... not so fun! That said, if you take away the goosebumps and the not-so-friendly photographer who made us feel like newbies ("Could you girls LOOK any more nervous and stressed?!" he asked), it was a pretty out-of-this-world day. -
SailorMoonxRRx
1 user seconded this question.
I've heard quite a bit about Prop. 8, and I think people should be able to love and marry who they wish, male or female! I have quite a few gay/lesbian/bi friends who feel VERY strongly on this, as well as straight friends who hope for the best out come. What is your take on this subject?
We're with you! We're confident gay marriage is just one of those things that will eventually be legal, that people will look back on flabbergasted and say "How could that have ever been illegal?!? We're talking about human beings, consenting adults, in love here!!! Why was that ever seen as a problem??!?!" It's just not an issue for the majority of young people today. But that doesn't mean we can just sit back and wait. We've got to be vocal -- in our communities, to our elected representatives -- about ending "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and legalizing gay marriage. We're reminded of that awesome 5th grader in the news last November who refused to recite the Pledge of Allegiance because he didn't think there was liberty and justice for all. He told CNN "Gays and lesbians can't marry. There's still a lot of racism and sexism in the world." Love that kid! -
Sam Benjamin
1 user seconded this question.
I read somewhere that you guys edited J.T. Leroy for a while! That whole story of Leroy just keeps on getting better with age. It bugged me mildly at the time that there was this "hip" author who was getting a whole bunch of play for his/her "dangerous" status -- my sense being, if this person wasn't trans, from the streets, etc, then they wouldn't be getting the same attention. My question for you is, what did you think of the actual quality of the writing that Leroy et al were submitting? Was it any good?
Lo: I wasn't the editor who initially brought "J.T." to Nerve, but I did end up editing "his" stuff for a while, talked with "him" on the phone, even transcribed for "him" as we did a live author chat on Nerve. That lady who created this character was an evil creative genius -- she knew having a compelling, tragic, larger-than-life story behind the author would make "him" a media darling. I thought the stories were good, but they were undeniably better when you knew/believed the fabricated background. Plus, she had a way about her on the phone, using this charming little southern accent, that made people want to reach out to "him" and made people feel good when "he" reached out to them. The fact that "he" didn't make public appearances for the longest time only added to the mystery and appeal. I went to a JT event full of celebrities reading his stuff and you could tell people just felt honored to be included -- she had created a kind of exclusive club people wanted to belong to. At that point it almost didn't matter, at least to most people, what the work entailed -- all that mattered was that "he" was a celebrity. -
Wild at Heart
2 users seconded this question.
Who inspired each of you the most in your life to be who you are today? Did that person push you to fulfill your goals?
Was there anyone who didn't believe in you or acted as if you were doing something pointless? If so, how did it affect your choices early on in your career?Em: My parents have always been incredibly supportive of what I do, and have always just encouraged me to do what makes me happy and inspires me -- even when it goes against a lot of what they believe in (they're both born-again Christians very active in their local church). They encouraged me to write from early on (even complimenting me on how witty and smart my vacation postcards were!). I can't think of anyone who's dismissed my career choice to my face, though I do get teased about it a lot. But mostly that's just good-natured ribbing from my lawyer and doctor friends who can't believe I can get away with thinking about sex all day as a living!
Lo: My fifth grade teacher pushed me to be an A-student. Before that I had just been an average student, but she convinced me that I could do a lot better, and after that, I always expected more from myself. As for this career choice, my parents have always been supportive by being politely inquisitive and never dismissive (but there's no way they're getting a copy of our DVD!). I can only think of one person who has actively dismissed my career to my face -- a very well-respected historian who's written several NYTimes bestsellers since. He was a friend of a friend and we all went out to dinner and he proceeded to poo-poo my choice of writing topic over sushi. Very rude, especially for a Brit. -
Gary
2 users seconded this question.
With all the writing you both must do, are there any rituals you go through when you have serious deadlines? Do you spend 2 months in an isolated candle lit hotel room with an antique type writer?
We wish it were something that romantic! When we first started writing together we would sit next to each other and pass the keyboard back and forth, or we'd go out for drinks and scrawl our advice columns out on notepads by barroom candlelight. For some books, we spent a lot of time in cafes together (the ones that don't mind if you sit there all day), taking a chapter each and sending those back and forth for edits. But now deadlines just mean more time spent in our home offices with a million iChat conversations back and forth -- pretty boring. -
malleyccdog2
3 users seconded this question.
What do you think is the best thing to teach in sex education? What age to give the talk?
Don't make us pick just one thing! Though we guess one umbrella topic that's important in sex education is respecting yourself and respecting others -- this comes into play with everything from safer sex to sexual pleasure. If you can convince kids to truly internalize those concepts, then we guess the battle is half won. At the very least, condoms condoms condoms. Also, that you should move at your own pace, sexually speaking, and you shouldn't believe half of what you hear about how much other people have done.
In terms of age -- it depends so much on the kid and the context (e.g. are they starting to ask questions already? are their friends/siblings starting to misinform them already?). But we will say that the Netherlands have the lowest teen pregnancy rates and abortion rates in the West (as well as incredibly low STD rates among young people compared to countries like the US and the UK), and they have excellent comprehensive and very open sex education that starts young (a series of sex education books for kids starting as young as 5 are considered classics there). -
thatonegirl
1 user seconded this question.
Have you ever had difficulty writing about a particular subject? If so what?
Well, the subjects we don't have first-hand experience in (like, um, fisting!) are hard to approach initially, though we sometimes wonder if our advice on those subjects tend to be better because we are purely in investigative reporter mode then, rather than being biased by our own particular preferences. (But don't get us wrong, fisting is not a subject we cover often!) -
Miss Cinnamon
3 users seconded this question.
A quick look around booksellers' websites reveals that while a few of your books have been translated into Spanish ("El Big Bang"!), the majority of them are only available to the English-speaking (and reading) community. Has translation of more of your publications into more languages been considered? How do the cultures associated with different languages affect that decision? For example, would it be more likely to see "Sex: How to do Everything" translated into German than Simplified Chinese? Why?
We unfortunately have no control over the translated editions of our books, and what gets translated and what doesn't -- once a book is sold, it's literally out of our hands. We do know there was a Dutch edition of the Big Bang that did quite well, and Rec Sex was translated into Chinese, which totally shocked us! We've had some German and French editions, maybe even an Italian one, too (but we're not sure which offhand). We would guess that the lack of more translated editions is partly a cultural thing (i.e. different cultures have different taboos) and partly a matter of the way we write, which is often very slangy and tied into pop culture. We actually had to do a fair bit of "translating" for the UK editions of our books, to make sure that the cultural references were ones the Brits could recognize! (Fortunately Em grew up in England so she was able to provide those.) -
Miss Cinnamon
3 users seconded this question.
You two are quite the experts on the American attitude on sex. What about other parts of the world? How do other regions of the world view sex, and how is it different from the American standpoint? What do you think affects that? Where do we Americans rank on the scale of sexual open-mindedness and progressiveness?
Like we said above, Em grew up in England (until she was 16) and we've spent a fair bit of time over there promoting our various books and then filming our TV show, "SEX: How to Do Everything." What we've always told people about the UK vs the US when it comes to sex is that the Americans talk a much bigger game, but behind closed doors, the Brits are dirtier. We think Americans are much more comfortable talking about sex and being brash and talking dirty, etc, etc... but if we were looking for a spanking partner, we'd look across the pond. Of course, by Dutch standards, both the US AND the UK are big prudes.
We've also done a fair bit of TV etc with Canadian companies, and we've always found them to be refreshingly open-minded and non-cheesy when it comes to talking about sex on TV, in newspapers, etc. -
Miss Cinnamon
2 users seconded this question.
What books, newspapers, mags, etc. do you read for fun? For information?
Em: The New Yorker, Real Simple, Food & Wine, NY Times, Us Weekly (I can't resist), HiLoBrow.com. With books I have pretty broad tastes... I'll read pretty much any literary fiction, especially if a friend recommends it. I just finished reading "The Anthologist" by Nicholson Baker and loved it. I'm also determined to make my way through some classics I missed in college and high school, so I'm currently reading Middlemarch -- and probably will still be if you ask me the same question a few months from now! Lo and I are also in a book club together, as if we didn't already spend enough time together! Next up is "The Maytrees" by Annie Dillard.
Lo: Mags: My subscriptions include the weekend New York Times, Time Magazine, Real Simple (once I got hooked I gave her a gift subscription), Budget Travel. I tend to like creepy gothic stuff (both fiction and nonfiction), like The Alienist, Devil in the White City, The Suspicions of Mr. Whicher -- the last book we read for book club, upon my suggestion, was Frankenstein (though I didn't really like it). The last book I devoured (read it in one day, and I'm normally a slow reader) was The Road -- absolutely amazing. And I'll admit, with some shame, that I'm a sucker for some YA: Harry Potter, Twilight, etc. I'm also trying to catch up on classics (I know we do everything together but this was not a planned joint venture, I swear!) and am reading Robinson Crusoe right now. -
Miss Cinnamon
3 users seconded this question.
Em mentioned that she wonders "how much fun sex will be if nothing makes us blush or seems completely taboo to discuss". What are your predictions? Will complete openness about sexuality, not just to our partners but to the world, diminish the amount of fun we get from a bit of "naughtiness", or will it increase the pleasure we derive from it?
We actually doubt that we'll ever achieve *complete* openness about sexuality. And we think a certain degree of openness actually increases the amount of healthy fun you can have -- you can try new things without feeling like it changes your identity (like a poke in the bum), you can feel more comfortable being open and honest about what you like and don't like, and you're not afraid to talk about STDs and contraception. We really hope that we'll simply achieve a nice balance of just the right amount of openness, enough that we can reduce abortion, STD and teen pregnancy rates but not so much that we'll have to listen to the gory details of our parents' sex lives at the dinner table -- and so long as Oprah refrains from discussing butt plugs on her show, we think we have a shot at that (though she came close by interviewing Jenna Jameson and sending one of her minions to the set of an adult film). -
thatonegirl
3 users seconded this question.
Does it ever become to much sex and relationship talk? If so how do you deal with it?
Yes! Every now and then we'll look at each other and say, "Why don't we just write books about gardening instead?" But then 5 minutes later we'll realize that (a) we know absolutely nothing about gardening and (b) we really are so lucky to have this day job so we should just stop complaining and get writing. -
Julie Roumimper Ferrieri
4 users seconded this question.
After 10 years, how has your writing changed? Are you more bold or more reserved with your opinions? More or less politically correct?
We hope we're more mature! We're kind of embarrassed when we look back at some of the jokes in our early writing... we were definitely a little juvenile in some of our humor. But it's hard not to be when you start out -- or ever, really -- as sex is a subject so ripe for puns and double entendres, etc. We're definitely less bold in terms of dishing the dirt about our own personal lives -- that's partly a matter of being married, we suppose: less dirt to dish, and also, it's one thing to dish about an anonymous hook-up, but another thing entirely to dish about your husband when you know his sister reads the blog!
We're more political now than when we started -- we're more educated on that front, and thanks to grassroots movements on the internet, we feel there are so many more ways we can encourage our readers to get involved.
We're probably more technical, too, more apt to talk about details of specific STDs or certain techniques -- that's simply a matter of 10 years of self-education in the biz. When we started out with our advice column, we really leaned more toward answering questions about relationship issues, as nobody could fault us on our technical know-how in those areas. But these days we won't necessarioy dodge the tricky questions about the G-spot or the etiquette of when and how to tell someone you have oral herpes. -
Lady Crimson
1 user seconded this question.
How did it feel leaivng Nerve.com to strike out on your own?
Scary. But probably less scary than it is for people branching out truly on their own since we had each other. We LOVED working at Nerve, but once we'd gotten a taste of writing full-time together by doing Nerve's first two books, The Big Bang and Sex Etiquette, we just didn't couldn't go back to editing other people's stuff and managing interns and putting our lunches in the disgusting office fridge. -
Lady Crimson
1 user seconded this question.
is it difficult to change gears from writing for your site to writing a book?
The books we've done so far include writing that's pretty similar to the stuff we've done online and for magazines, so no, not really. And we tend to write long anyway, so making a book's word count has never been a problem. If we were to do a more serious book that required more intensive research, then it'd probably be a different story. Get back to us in a couple years... -
Judy Cole
1 user seconded this question.
EdenFantasys launched a magazine site not all that long ago called SexIs that focuses on a broad spectrum of topics with an over-arching theme of sex positivity. (Yes, I am one of the editors.
) As "new kids on the block," do you have any advice for us?Write shorter! Online, much as we hate to admit it, people don't have the attention spans to read long articles. (Again, we need to take our own advice!) -
Judy Cole
2 users seconded this question.
I know you've made a career of giving advice, but what's the best advice on sex that you've gotten from someone else? And what was the worst?
Em: The best was something I read in Bust magazine, years ago, not long after I'd lost my virginity (and before I'd discovered self-love and orgasms). The advice was to buy a Hitachi Magic Wand. I did -- and they were right! Totally changed my (sex) life. As far as bad advice goes, I'm trying really hard to think of something and drawing a blank. I've definitely had bad sex over the years, but I don't think it was ever the result of bad advice -- in fact, I think it was more due to a stubbornness about seeking out advice.
Lo: The best was probably from my gynecologist when I was 17 who showed me on an anatomical model (and myself) the vast distance between the clitoris and the vaginal opening and explained how a guy can pump away all day long but if he's not coming in ideal contact with the clitoris you probably won't have an orgasm during intercourse. That, and the book "Are We Having Fun Yet: The Intelligent Woman's Guide to Sex" has great advice throughout the whole thing. The worst was probably something like "Don't ever cut your hair" or "Never pay for a date" -- both from women who pose naked for a living. -
PoshNicole
2 users seconded this question.
There's no doubt that you girls know your stuff. So please, help a newbie out...out of all the sex toys you've seen over the years, which one is your ultimate favorite and why?
Again, don't make us pick just one! Especially since everyone is different in what they like and need from a sex toy. We can however, narrow it down to one company: We love almost anything by Fun Factory. They make ergonomic toys from body-safe materials that are often rechargeable, look cute, feel great, are pretty affordable, and actually come with use, care and cleaning instructions (not the case with cheap, toxic novelties or knock-offs). It's hard to go wrong with a Fun Factory toy. -
limabeanbreath
2 users seconded this question.
After all this time and education, I imagine you must have gone through quite a lot of self-reflection. Did you ever have any times where you had to confront your own self and views?
Em: I probably should have gone through more self-reflection than I have done, to be honest! It's way too easy to draw a line between your own sex life and dishing advice to others. It's amazing what a blind eye you can turn to your own bedroom when you write about sex every day for a living. My husband should probably get credit for any moments of self-reflection I have had, even if it annoys the hell out of me in the moment -- meaning, we'll be disagreeing about a topic, and he'll say, not entirely tongue-in-cheek, "If you submitted this as an advice question to EMandLO.com, what would you guys say?" It's generally annoying because I realize that I'm most definitely not taking my own advice, for example on the importance of you both initiating sex to constantly reestablish the idea of mutual attraction (rather than letting one partner always start things).
Lo: Ditto. -
Nell2009
4 users seconded this question.
Wht drove you both to write the material that you write and what kept that drive strong all this time?
There isn't one simple answer to this, though certainly a driving force is realizing how much better sex would be for people if they knew more about it and also about their own bodies. There's this notion out there that good sex should always come naturally, and that your sex drive should come naturally, too. So if you don't wake up in the morning dying to have sex -- and if you don't jump into bed and automatically have awesome, simultaneously orgasmic sex -- then there's something wrong with you. Rather than it being just a simple matter of not enough sex education.
When we started, we felt like there was a place for sex writing and sex advice that was funny without being juvenile, and serious without being overly earnest. There's a lot more great sex writing out there now than when we started, though we're not quite ready to retire just yet! As far as keeping the drive strong over the years -- it's probably helped that we've moved around a bit and worked with different publications and formats, so we've been able to experiment with different ways of conveying what we feel is important information. Not every writer gets to stand up on a stage in a retro flight attendant suit... so we haven't had a chance to get bored yet. But if you ever see our names on a book in the gardening aisle, you'll know it happened eventually! -
What fun TV shows do you like and watch?
Lo: The Rachel Maddow Show, 60 Minutes, Frontline, Mad Men, Lost (I hate it now, but I have to finish!), Modern Family, Glee, The Daily Show. And now for the really shameful part: I'm a reality show junkie. I'll watch Project Runway, Survivor, and the worst one of them all, The Batch (it's just so bad it's good!).
Em: I feel exactly the same way about Lost. I'm a big Mad Men fan, too, and I like the Daily Show. Other than that, my husband I mostly watch movies (we're Netflix addicts!) or U.K. TV shows that we bring back from trips to England -- our most recent fave was Gavin & Stacey. -
Over the time you've been writing, have you noticed cultural attitudes toward sex in America getting more or less puritanical? What would you attribute any cultural change to?
That's a tough question. We wish we could say we've witnessed a decade of exciting change, but we think the culture is pretty much just as puritanical as when we started out in most areas -- think gay marriage, abortion rights, the ridiculous double-standard rules of the MPAA, abstinence-only education in schools... It's a constant tug of war, going back and forth, with the more progressive side only gaining a few inches in the sand over the last ten years -- oh well, that's better than nothing.
One area of improvement we have seen is how mainstream sex toys have become, which is awesome! It's created demand for higher quality, safer products. More and more women own them, more and more couples use them in relationships, and more and more people are willing to talk openly about said sex toys. Oprah included!
Oh yeah, and these days EVERYONE has a sex tape, and it's more likely to be a career-launcher than a career-destroyer. Though we refuse to view that as progress. -
Bob Modern
1 user seconded this question.
As connoissuers of pop culture, what music have you found best sets the mood for love? On the flip side, what music is guaranteed to kill that mood stone cold dead?
Em: Lo will tell you (actually, anyone who knows me will tell you) that I have terrible taste in music, and am definitely NOT a connoisseur when it comes to that area! I listen to country music or cheesy pop if no one else is around to change the station or complain. And I'm pretty sure that most country music would kill that mood stone cold dead!
Lo: We've always said the stereotypical "sexy" music like Barry White should never be used as as a serious seduction tool -- it's just become more a punchline than a mood setter. And athough it isn't exactly cutting edge, I think Massive Attack stands up as classic, effective, mood-setting, boot-knocking music. -
Who are some of your all-time favorite authors? And what are each of you currently reading?
Em: I'm currently reading Middlemarch, though I may take a break from it to read Committed, Elizabeth Gilbert's new book. I never read Eat Pray Love (I think I got annoyed by how many people told me to) but I'm curious what she has to say on marriage. I'm also dying to read Game Change for some good political dish. I don't know if I have one all-time favorite author, though some of my favorites include Ian McEwan, A.L. Kennedy, A.S. Byatt, Roald Dahl, Philip Roth, Francine Prose, Umberto Eco, José Saramago, and Hemingway. I'm sure I'm missing some, but that's what comes to mind while standing in front of my bookshelf.
Lo: Hemingway, Em? Really? Would never have pegged you as a Hemingway fan. Even after 10 years, there are still some things I don't know (or understand) about you. As for me, the only author who I've probably read more than four or five books by is Tom Robbins (it was a stage I went through in college). I'm a big Tom Stoppard fan (if plays count). And I think Sam Harris is a great author (Letter to a Christian Nation is one of my favorite little gift books), and over the holidays I read The Atheist's Guide to Christmas (available only int he UK). Hopefully Em will lend me her copy of Game Change when she's done. For the rest, please see my answer to Miss Cinnamon's book question above.
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Since all I can think about lately is Valentine's Day, I figured I'd extend my madness into this interview. Tell me, what would you consider to be the *perfect* Valentine's Day date?
Em: The most important element for me would be that I wouldn't have to plan it -- he'd just tell me to get dressed up and be ready to leave at a certain time. I'd like to have plenty of time to pamper and get glammed up, too -- that's a big part of the date for me. Other than that, I'm pretty easy, I think -- a chi-chi cocktail at a bar, dinner somewhere that has candles on the tables, him agreeing to trade entrees with me halfway through dinner, then home together, holding hands. Of course, I'd also love to be flown off to Paris for the weekend, too, especially if it was all booked and planned and I just had to pack my suitcase -- but even in Paris, I'd want pretty much the same deal out of the evening.
Lo: I'm gonna cheat and say "What she said." Except for the whole glammed up part -- I'm happy in jeans and sneaks. -
macho99
3 users seconded this question.
Do you girls get any hate mail (i wouldn't know why you would ever get them though)?
What's the best, worse and most bizarre thing you've received in the mail?We've been fortunate to not get much hate mail -- we don't think we're that out there (or that popular) to inspire such bile (but we can dream!). As far as mail goes (and we'll assume you mean email) it breaks down like this:
The best: Whenever we get a really sincere, heartfelt thank-you note from someone who took our advice and it worked.
The worst: The rare, weird, porn-y pick-up. Click-delete!
The most bizarre: It's a tie between two advice requests, one from a man asking how to get his golden retriever to have sex with his wife while he watched, and the other from a guy who worked at the morgue who wanted to know if he could STDs from having sex with the corpses. Both were so sincerely written we weren't totally convinced they were jokes. -
Carrie Ann
3 users seconded this question.
With all this writing and editing and organizing and writing and...
How do you guys wind down? What do you do to just chill out? And I have to ask...do you guys hang out together all the time?You'd think we'd be sick of each other by now, but nope, we do hang out together all the time. It's like living at the Olive Garden: We're like family! As far as winding down goes, Em likes to cook, read and watch movies, and Lo likes to not cook, read and watch bad TV. We don't necessarily like to work out, but we do, and it helps with the wind down. We also have regular ladies' poker, ladies' book club, and ladies' movie nights with friends. -
Victoria
2 users seconded this question.
A fun question: What's in your fridge right now? Not every little thing, but the main things. And what do you wish was in there but isn't?
Em: Leftovers from this amazing (if I do say so myself) curry feast that I cooked up over the weekend. Lettuce that's wilting because I find lettuce really unappealing when it's snowing outside. I just did a grocery shop, so pretty much everything I'd want is in there -- especially now that I've found a local spots that makes excellent British-style sausages (they even call them "bangers"!).
Lo: An assortment of veggies and thus homemade veggie soup, baby spinach, homemade pasta sauce, homemade balsamic vinaigrette dressing, tempeh, Boca "chicken" patties, Silk (in Bone Health and Chocolate), seltzer, organic colby cheese, peanut butter and jam, local apples, Braggs, and Hershey's Special Dark Nuggets with Almonds. I wish there were an organic banana cream pie with chocolate cookie crust that I could eat whenever I wanted that wouldn't make me fat. -
After reading "The Wisdom of John Mayer, Tweeted" I kind of had an itch to You Tube all my favorite old songs and dance in front of the mirror. Which leads me to wonder...when you get that urge, what are your favorite songs to bust a move to? (I'm hoping that Rump Shaker is somewhere on the list)
Lo: This is just a small sampling: the Ting Ting's "That's Not My Name," Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling", Eminem's "Without Me," Thelma Houston's "Don't Leave Me This Way," Britney Spears' "Toxic," The English Beat "Save It For Later," Paul Okenfeld's "Starry Eyed Surprise," and instead of "Rump Shaker" I'm gonna say K7's "Come Baby Come."
Em: What she said. Plus "It's getting hot in herre." And "I'm too sexy for my shirt." And I'll stop right now before I embarrass myself further. -
Sammi
3 users seconded this question.
Over the years, I imagine you've been asked for advice on a lot of different topics. What was the most interesting question you've been asked your advice about? Which question have you been asked the most?
The question we get asked most often by women is "How can I have an orgasm with my partner" as well as "How can I have an orgasm, period?" From guys it's a toss-up between, "Why do nice guys always get dumped on?" and "How can I safely enlarge my penis?"
As for most interesting question -- so hard to pick just one! There was one question recently which really surprised us because it challenged one of our stereotypes -- it was from a woman whose boyfriend really didn't like to receive blowjobs, and this left her feeling really hurt and incompetent. In the comments section of the site, a number of guys mentioned that they identified with this man, and that it was always really hard for them to convey this preference to girlfriends because the girlfriends invariably thought it was something to do with their lack of skill. We always assumed that EVERY guy liked to receive oral sex, but now we know what happens when you assume ANYTHING about sex... -
Unless I've missed it, there is one more question that must be asked (it is a tradition to ask every interview subject here at Eden)!
Please complete the following sentence:
Sex is...?We actually did answer this already (we guess not very memorably) -- see Gary's questions above.
Thanks for all the great questions everyone! We haven't had this much fun talking about ourselves since we filled out our last online personals questionnaire years ago! Over and out.
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