Do have a time set aside for video chat. With so many communication options available there’s no reason not to be able to communicate when both people have the time and desire. Between Skype, MSN messenger, heck, even Facebook has a chat option available.
This allows for each person to maintain their intimacy with one another, even if neither is in the same room, or even part of the country. Not being able to see the other person on a regular basis eventually becomes jarring, aspects of their face, body and personality start to slip the mind. Their look when laughing, the scrunched face at a particularly bad joke, their sarcastic eye roll, or how they beam when ecstatic, these nuances are quickly forgotten when apart.
Don’t be demanding about contact, video or otherwise. This may sound counter-intuitive to the previous point, but it’s rare when both people in a long distance relationship (LDR) don’t have anything in else in their lives. Long distance, each person has their own set of responsibilities, activities, jobs, classes and these, along with anything else not mentioned take precedence over the LDR because it’s far more immediate.
Do utilize video technology for sex nights. There are plenty of reasons and ways to utilize technology for this. Between watching each other masturbate, putting on shows for each other, or using toys and pretending it’s your lover. Experimenting with toys that may have never been purchased otherwise is both a fun and intimate way to maintain sexual contact.
Don’t force your partner into video sex. Not everyone is comfortable with this technology, especially given the possibility of screen capture, hacked video cameras, and less than faithful partners that might make a frisky night last forever on the internet. If a partner is willing to do this, that’s great! If not, don’t force them and certainly don’t issue ultimatums.
Do watch stuff together. Just because a couple isn’t together doesn’t mean a movie night isn’t possible. Nearly every TV station has their shows available online, not to mention the litany of movies on YouTube and unique video sites like “That Guy with The Glasses.” It shouldn’t be difficult to find something to watch and then each person can watch online, with one window for the video and the other for video calling.
Don’t let the time apart weigh heavily. This, sadly, is easier said than done, especially as the weeks apart turn to months. There’s no definite formula for avoiding the exasperation of being apart, but numerous techniques may help.
The most important thing is to keep busy and avoid dwelling on the long distance relationship too much. That’s what the aforementioned Dos and Don’ts were about, but also what they hinted at. Being apart gives each person a chance to grow and try new things no longer tethered, take a class, delve into work, join a club, a hobby, take a hike, anything to avoid fixating on the relationship.
Also, don’t keep track of how much time is left before you’ll be together again. The old adage, a watched pot never boils, holds true. Obsessing over the day the LDR simply becomes an R will make the time feel longer. This is difficult, which is the point of keeping busy. The distraction prevents an unhealthy amount of dwelling or obsessing.
Do keep the negative emotions away. Being apart is like a structure missing a support beam. The longer it’s missing, the more the relationships cracks under the stress These cracks make themselves known more the longer the LDR lasts and, if left unchecked, will likely bring collapse of the relationship.
Don’t get angry, this is particularly important if the reason for the LDR is something different than just school. Being separated because of different jobs is one of the easiest ways for anger to permeate through an LDR. One partner might blame the other for putting their career above the relationship, while the other is hurt and angry that they’re being attacked for trying to improve their career.
Don’t blame others for the LDR, even if it’s someone’s fault. What will blame accomplish? All it will do is create a momentary feeling of righteous indignation for the attacker and, sorrow and fury for the attacked. There’s nothing that can be done about the situation and throwing a hissy fit won’t change anything.
Don’t get jealous. This is a common trope for TV shows, but for a reason. The idea of a loved one and sexual partner living hundreds, perhaps thousands of miles away is terrifying. However there’s little that can be done that won’t make things worse, except trust.
Trust that they love you, that they won’t cheat, that they’re adults capable of “just” friendships with potential sexual partners and then reciprocate that trust. Trying to control your partner from miles away will only drive them away, or perhaps into the arms of someone who, until the attempts at control, they only considered a friend.
Finally, the biggest don’t: Don’t get into a LDR, just don’t. Best case is that it’s a relationship’s painfully long intermission. Worst case, it’s the excruciating finale.
This allows for each person to maintain their intimacy with one another, even if neither is in the same room, or even part of the country. Not being able to see the other person on a regular basis eventually becomes jarring, aspects of their face, body and personality start to slip the mind. Their look when laughing, the scrunched face at a particularly bad joke, their sarcastic eye roll, or how they beam when ecstatic, these nuances are quickly forgotten when apart.
Don’t be demanding about contact, video or otherwise. This may sound counter-intuitive to the previous point, but it’s rare when both people in a long distance relationship (LDR) don’t have anything in else in their lives. Long distance, each person has their own set of responsibilities, activities, jobs, classes and these, along with anything else not mentioned take precedence over the LDR because it’s far more immediate.
Do utilize video technology for sex nights. There are plenty of reasons and ways to utilize technology for this. Between watching each other masturbate, putting on shows for each other, or using toys and pretending it’s your lover. Experimenting with toys that may have never been purchased otherwise is both a fun and intimate way to maintain sexual contact.
Don’t force your partner into video sex. Not everyone is comfortable with this technology, especially given the possibility of screen capture, hacked video cameras, and less than faithful partners that might make a frisky night last forever on the internet. If a partner is willing to do this, that’s great! If not, don’t force them and certainly don’t issue ultimatums.
Do watch stuff together. Just because a couple isn’t together doesn’t mean a movie night isn’t possible. Nearly every TV station has their shows available online, not to mention the litany of movies on YouTube and unique video sites like “That Guy with The Glasses.” It shouldn’t be difficult to find something to watch and then each person can watch online, with one window for the video and the other for video calling.
Don’t let the time apart weigh heavily. This, sadly, is easier said than done, especially as the weeks apart turn to months. There’s no definite formula for avoiding the exasperation of being apart, but numerous techniques may help.
The most important thing is to keep busy and avoid dwelling on the long distance relationship too much. That’s what the aforementioned Dos and Don’ts were about, but also what they hinted at. Being apart gives each person a chance to grow and try new things no longer tethered, take a class, delve into work, join a club, a hobby, take a hike, anything to avoid fixating on the relationship.
Also, don’t keep track of how much time is left before you’ll be together again. The old adage, a watched pot never boils, holds true. Obsessing over the day the LDR simply becomes an R will make the time feel longer. This is difficult, which is the point of keeping busy. The distraction prevents an unhealthy amount of dwelling or obsessing.
Do keep the negative emotions away. Being apart is like a structure missing a support beam. The longer it’s missing, the more the relationships cracks under the stress These cracks make themselves known more the longer the LDR lasts and, if left unchecked, will likely bring collapse of the relationship.
Don’t get angry, this is particularly important if the reason for the LDR is something different than just school. Being separated because of different jobs is one of the easiest ways for anger to permeate through an LDR. One partner might blame the other for putting their career above the relationship, while the other is hurt and angry that they’re being attacked for trying to improve their career.
Don’t blame others for the LDR, even if it’s someone’s fault. What will blame accomplish? All it will do is create a momentary feeling of righteous indignation for the attacker and, sorrow and fury for the attacked. There’s nothing that can be done about the situation and throwing a hissy fit won’t change anything.
Don’t get jealous. This is a common trope for TV shows, but for a reason. The idea of a loved one and sexual partner living hundreds, perhaps thousands of miles away is terrifying. However there’s little that can be done that won’t make things worse, except trust.
Trust that they love you, that they won’t cheat, that they’re adults capable of “just” friendships with potential sexual partners and then reciprocate that trust. Trying to control your partner from miles away will only drive them away, or perhaps into the arms of someone who, until the attempts at control, they only considered a friend.
Finally, the biggest don’t: Don’t get into a LDR, just don’t. Best case is that it’s a relationship’s painfully long intermission. Worst case, it’s the excruciating finale.
Long distance relationships can be very difficult at times. It can be frustrating for- b+oth involved parties. This article contains very useful advice on how to maintain and even spice-up a long distance relationship!
The last line was just stupid. 'Don't get into a LDR..." After my husband and I were married, he moved for nine months for work training, and I followed after my Guiding year (GGC) was complete. Similarily, I moved to our hometown for two months this Spring, while he stayed in our current town. LDMarriage works fine for us. After such a well written, informative article, this line ruined it all!!
I agree, I didn't care for that last line, at all.
I was truly enjoying the article until I got to the last line.. Ruined the article for me, as well.
To add to why I don't like the last line -- you don't choose who you fall in love with. It just happens. If you happen to fall in love with someone that's far away, what can you do about it? Telling a person "don't get into an LDR", is just poor advice in my opinion. If someone falls in love with someone that lives far away, or that has to be away for a period of time, advising them to not get into a long distance relationship may mean that you're advising them to pass up on their chance of love.
It's true that long distance relationships are unpleasant at times. It's certainly true that they can be painful. And yes, they don't always work out. But sometimes? Sometimes they do. And sometimes they're amazing.
I would say that instead of advising people to not get into long distance relationships, that it would be better to advise them to understand the negative aspects of long distance relationships, as well.
SMichelle, I totally agree with your last point.
Since my last line is being debated, I decided to explain the reasoning. I was recently reunited with my girlfriend, two days before the long distance relationship's one year anniversary. Due to school we've spent more of our relationship apart than together. That line was not suggesting that a relationship should end if people must spend significant time apart, or that meeting online doomed a relationship, but rather that everything should be tried to avoid having to separate in the first place. Being apart for that almost year, not to mention four summers, was a horrid experience I wouldn't wish upon anyone. The line was also used by Ted Mosby in a season 1 episode of "How I Met Your Mother."
My husband and I have been apart for several months only seeing eachother every now and then - this was phenomenal read!
My boyfriend and I are 6 months into a 2 year different countries separation. It is incredibly difficult, but I know it will be worth it in the end. It is true that you start to forget little things about your partner. There have been several times in the past few months where I wonder if it is worth it and if it is really love, but I know these doubts are just from the difficulties the long distance relationship causes. Having an end date definitely helps. And we always try to send at least one message to each other a day- even if it is about the mundane things we have been doing. LDR's shouldn't be entered into lightly, but they can be worth it. And if you are doing it with someone you love and communicate well with then you can make it work.
Agreeing with your explanation of your last line there T&A1987, I would not want anyone to fall in a relationship from meeting someone online and not being able to see them for over 4 years! I faced that myself, it was a terrifying experience, yet unfortunately it happens. Thus I believe (in my own opinion) that if it is to happen, it is to happen, the best bet is for people to start planning in advance to help get over all of this. And while I have been in an LDR for over 5 and a half years now, I could say that we cannot chose if it will happen or not, it will happen unfortunately.
Yet I did agree with a lot of your article, honestly I would add a few things, such as karaoke night to those people who like to sing, it is a fun and interesting way to pass a couple hours honestly, especially since you can find a lot of videos on youtube that show the lyrics on screen for a range of songs.
Although your last line has met some debate, you could of worded it a little better. That could have been avoided with adding a slight explanation before dropping that misunderstood bombshell there. Yet to reach that last line and have it fit 100% is easier said than done sometimes.