Autoerotic Asphyxiation
So the other day I was thinking about autoerotic asphyxiation. This would be the part where I explain what autoerotic asphyxiation is but I don’t totally understand it myself. Basically it’s some sort of fetish where you strangle yourself while masturbating and that somehow makes it hotter, I think? I can only assume that the allure is in the adrenaline released when you realize you’re choking to death. I’m not one to judge bizarre sex stuff because it’s kind of my whole job to write about them but I will say that this one is totally fucking dumb. And also dangerous. That guy from Kung Fu died doing it and so did the guy from INXS. Remember INXS? They were awesome. Except now whenever someone mentions INXS I think, “Oh yeah, that guy that accidentally killed himself while wanking.” You don’t want that to be your legacy, people.
And that’s why I’ve compiled a list of equally adrenaline-producing ways to masturbate that are much less likely to end up with your mom finding you dead, fondling your junk.
1. Masturbate while standing in a fire ant bed.
2. Right before you ejaculate, stab yourself in the leg with a fork.
3. Jerk off while skydiving. (But use a condom because I heard if you toss a penny off a skyscraper it could kill someone so probably sperm dropped from 20,000 feet could rip someone’s arm off.)
4. Have sex with a hornet’s nest.
5. Have sex with a bear who’s totally not into it.
6. Have sex with a dragon.
7. Fall into a deep well. Bring your lotion.
8. Stub your toe really hard. No, harder. Dude, are you even trying? It’s like you don’t even want to have an orgasm.
9. Don’t care about your cholesterol. Also? Fuck flossing. Act like you want gingivitis.
10. Underestimate the importance of a balanced breakfast. In fact, never eat breakfast again.
11. Masturbate during a root canal or open-heart surgery.
12. Masturbate in a tornado. Next to a pasture of live cows. And a store that sells only loose nails. And a bucket of pythons that are soaked in something you’re allergic to.
There. I probably just saved you life. You’re welcome.
Update: Okay, I just turned this into my editor and she’s all “Uh…nice work but people who practice autoerotic asphyxiation don’t usually do it for an adrenaline rush. They do it because the lack of oxygen causes light-headedness and lowers inhibitions. Did you research this at all?” And no, actually I didn’t. But thank God I didn’t, because otherwise this whole article would have just been one sentence: “Why don’t you just fucking drink a beer, dumb-ass?” The end.
All I can say to this is... It puts lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again...
autoerotic asphyxiation isnt just for masturbating and can be good if done safely