I learned long ago that I'm not much of a romantic. Suitors who came to me with cut flowers, boxes of chocolate, or mall-store jewelry were snubbed quickly and easily. I don't like the smell of perfume. Overly sweet sentiments make me gag a little (and not in the good way).

Or perhaps it's more appropriate to say that I was never a TRADITIONAL romantic. I do believe in romance - it's just that my idea of it is just a little skewed. Woo me with a great book, a pretty glass butt plug, a night full of flogging and panting, and I'm yours.

Enter Rose Petals Explosion, a collection of 100 perfumed rose petals. When I first saw them online, I thought they might be the kind of thing that you dropped in the bath (like slivers of soap). Now that's the kind of romance I could actually get into - a hot bubble bath and a book, followed by some serious fucking? Yep.

But, alas, the petals are just that. Petals. Which is cool, in that traditional romantic kind of way. But, what, I wondered, do you DO with them? Spread them around your bedroom? Toss them on your body? I suppose you could travel with them (they're very light) and use them to spruce up a hotel room. Or you could surprise your partner when they get home from a long day of work by spreading them around the house (of course, then you'd have to clean it first, which in truth, is probably way more romantic).

In the end, I asked the Boy. Not that he's any more romantic than I am, but I figured a second opinion never hurt.

"Trail them up the stairs?" he said.

We both looked at the panting dog, which eats anything and everything that falls on the floor, whether it even remotely resembles food or not.

"Nope."

He thought for a while. "Toss them in the bath?"

We ran the petals underwater and, while it doesn't seem to harm them, it does turn them a little limp.

"Nope."

"Throw them on the bed and your body?"

"Okay." We did this (you can see the pictures here, no actual private parts showing, I promise) and then looked at each other.

"Now what?"

"I don't know. Now what?"

Turns out, "now what" mostly meant shoving the petals aside so we could get on with what really mattered.

The set comes with a hundred petals, all of which are the same size and shape (about 2.5 x 2.5"). They actually look like real petals, which is impressive considering they're made out of polyester. They don't have that wonderful velvety feel of real rose petals, of course; that would be nearly impossible due to the material, but they're not super-scratchy either. The edges aren't soft, though and after "wearing" them on my stomach for about five minutes, I found myself really really wanting to scratch.

The rose petals merely say they're "perfumed", which made me kind of nervous at first. I'm not a fan of perfume - I have rosacea, which is aggravated by things that smell strongly - and I've had the unlucky experience of sitting in coffee shops, air planes and living rooms with human beings who think that if a little perfume is good, then a whole lot is fantastic. Ick.

Happily, the scent's not super strong. It's not super appealing either. It smells like, well, perfume. The grandma kind, not the musky kind. At first whiff, I thought of old people's homes and rose water and scratchy dresses. I wondered, why not make them smell like actual roses, which I like? But that's probably just me - as I said, perfume's not my thing.

The scent does wear off really fast - a boon for me, a detriment to those who really enjoy the perfumy smell of the petals. After playing around with them for about ten minutes, either my nose was desensitized or the smell had dissipated. At no point was it overly cloying.

I decided not to taste them, even in the interest of science, so I can't comment on their nom-ability.

The petals come packaged in sets, and you have to peel them apart. While this makes sense from a shipping standpoint, it's a pain in the butt the first time you want to use them. Best to give yourself plenty of time

They also started "shedding" as soon as I opened them - bleeding little red bits of polyester from the edges that dotted everything around the area.

Other than that, they seem well made. They held up in water, didn't bleed their color on my clothes or skin, and held their shape perfectly, even after being rolled around on.

The packaging is pretty and elegant - black and pink, and something that would fit right in at any upscale gift boutique. It's not something you want to store your petals in, however. The material wouldn't last very long (it got crushed, smushed and scratched in just the first day of owning it), and it would be nearly impossible to get all of the petals back in after you'd used them.

Still, pretty packaging is only half of the equation. The other half is education. What are the petals made of? How many are there? What do you use them for? Yeah, that last one is a biggie. WHAT do you use them for? I mean, I consider myself a creative person, especially when it comes to sex, but I really had no idea what to do with these, and the packaging was no help. The only words I understood on the back of the box were "Perfumed rose petals" (it's in several languages), but there was nothing else in the box to offer suggestions, guidance or even inspiration.

Overall, these petals weren't for me. They were pretty and well-made, but boring. I think I'm just not creative or romantic enough to really appreciate them.

However, that doesn't mean they're not worth it. They are, for the right person.

Are you:
-Traditionally romantic, a lover of things flowery and lacy?
-A creative soul when it comes to playing around with sex?
-Into creating an awesome-looking scene or setting for your sexual encounters?
-A lover of sweet, perfumed things?

If you answered yes to any (or all) of the above questions, then you should consider the rose petal explosion.

And do let me know how you use them! Because I do get the feeling that I'm missing something, and I'd like to try them in ways that I didn't actually think of.

Rose Petals Explosion isn't a toy for me - but that doesn't mean it isn't for you.